Pain. Do you have it? Because the characters in this week’s episode of ‘American Horror Story: Coven’ sure do. Some have physical pain, some have emotional pain, others are in pain because they don’t have pain. I think you get where I’m going with all of this, but to help further explain, here is your weekly recap of ‘AHS’.
We open on the frat brothers of ‘used to be alive’ Kyle at a tattoo parlor. His fellow brothers are super jazzed about their in progress tattoos, but Kyle refrains from getting one, as he wants to be an Engineer in the future and wants to be taken seriously professionally. True, Kyle could have gotten a tattoo on his ass (just sayin’) and still be professional, but homeboy has morals and I respect that.
After this little scene of bro-bonding is over, we find future FrankinKyle, chained up and crying, looking at his ‘new’ arm and noticing its got the same tattoo that one of his fellow frat brats had, making it clear that Kyle’s arm is not his original. So sad. Enter Zoe with a gun behind her back, talking oh so gently as she approaches the melancholy FrankinKyle. She’s got a plan to end Kyle’s suffering but can’t really go through with it. FrankinKyle swoops in and forces the gun away from Zoe and turns it on himself, but Zoe was being truthful in her resolve to let FrankinKyle live (I mean, hasn’t he died enough already?) and wrestles the gun away from him.
From here we turn to the now emo Madison, lamenting about how she’s now numb and hates the eternal silence that resides inside of her. She wanders around the house, eating, drinking and taking any potion that she can get her hands on, in the hopes of finally feeling something, even if its pain. She finds one elixir that brings the pigment back to her skin (being dead makes it pretty grey looking, eww) but otherwise, nothing has an affect on her. At least she can still accessorize, the black ribbon around her neck was a nice touch.
Meanwhile, Queenie comes upon the scraps that Madison left behind in the kitchen, and becomes frustrated at the lack of food in the house, she’s got a case of the midnight munchies and she’s not the only one. Madame LaLaurie enters with the same hankering for a snack, and the two head off to a nearby fast food joint to munch on some grindage (thank you Paulie Shore for this catch phrase, it is your gift to the world). The normally racially charged relationship between these two seems to melt away for a bit and they become a sort of ‘Frenemy’ as they are united by their love of late night french fries.
Back at the magical center for the visually impaired, Cordelia takes a phone call from a blubbering Hank, but quickly hangs up on him. She’s still pissed (and rightfully so) at what she saw Hank doing in her ‘vision’ when touching him (I bet Helen Keller wishes she had this power). When Hank gets the click, we see that he’s surrounded by a very impressive arsenal of weapons and some whisky. Awesome combo, clearly. Now that Cordelia is awake, she stumbles out of bed, trying to feel her way to the stairs when she almost falls. Luckily, Madison was lurking in the hallway and saves her. Now that these two are touching however, this also triggers Cordelia’s new sight to not only know that Madison is alive (sort of) but that Fiona was her killer. SAY WHHHAAATTT?!
Over to the creepiest romance of the season (and that’s pretty hard to do on ‘AHS’), we find Fiona with the now released, and apparently alive Axeman, when he brings her back to his place. And by his place, I of course mean the person he killed that was living there and is now dead in the bathtub’s place. I will say that if you’re going to murder someone for their home, at least pick a place that isn’t infested with cockroaches, have some taste, man. They start to do the weird cat and mouse dance of seduction, but Fiona loses her mojo once her hair starts to fall out in clumps. A little hair loss doesn’t stop the Axeman from getting in her pants, and they eventually give in to their carnal needs.
At this point Queenie goes to pay a visit to voodoo queen, Marie, to have a little chat. Marie is surprised at how long it took Queenie to come see her, stating that she’ll never really belong with the witches and that she should break ranks and come join her. A voodoo doll belongs with a voodoo queen, naturally. In exchange for some mega power that Marie offers Queenie which will make her more powerful than any Supreme, she asks her to bring LaLaurie to her. Tough call – becoming an all powerful super witch at the same time as getting rid of an immortal racist OR keeping her safe because she’s your new fast food BFF at the same time as running the risk of said immortal racist reverting back to her old ways and possibly torturing you to death. How ever will you choose?!
Back at witch central, we find Zoe trying to teach FrankinKyle a few choice words to aid in their communication barrier. Kyle has a mini-toddler-me-no-like-food-or-words moment and pushes her teaching aids aside. This ‘him not talking’ thing is really getting old and I find it impossible to believe that a witch that can use spells to kill and resurrect people can’t find a spell for helping them talk. GET IT TOGETHER NOOBS. In walks Madison aka the stealer of all boyfriends, and Zoe stupidly leaves the two alone together to go find Cordelia. Zoe takes the opportunity to try and bond with Kyle, as they both have being dead in common after all. Oh boy.
Zoe and Cordelia find each other and Cordie reveals that Fiona is the real enemy and that Zoe better watch her back because if Fiona even THINKS that she is the next Supreme, she’s next in line to get her throat slit and fall victim to Spaulding’s terrible tea parties. Now that Cordelia is stronger and frankly becoming a seriously fantastic speech giver, she tells Zoe that they are going to kill Fiona, but they have to be sly. Unable to process this information fully, Zoe glides in a trance like state back to her room to see Kyle. And boy does she see Kyle. See him doing what, you ask? See’s his bare ass while he’s having very intense wall sex with Madison. Just remember Zoe, you brought this on yourself. She quickly leaves the room as her mind basically explodes.
The next morning over at the flea bag shag motel aka Axeman’s love nest, Fiona is quickly getting dressed and gearing up for her epic walk of shame. The Axeman pleads with her to stay, but she refuses after she discovers the body he’s been hiding in the bathtub. Now this is really where things get double creeptastic. The Axeman takes a trip down memory lane with Fiona, telling her that he has been invisibly living in her room with her since she was a little girl. He’s protected her like a daughter in her younger ages, but then as she matured and became the fearsome woman that she is today, he developed romantic feelings for her and has been in love with her for all this time. Fiona isn’t picking up what the Axeman is putting down however, and hits the road. Later on however, Fiona’s emotions get the better of her, and we see her sitting at a jazz club, watching her new lover play his smokey sax. The two exchange sultry glances, sparks fly and fate is set.
In an even more disgusting turn of events back at the school for underage witches, Zoe has Spaulding tied up and reveals to him that she’s found his tongue hidden in a box, but its been enchanted so its still in working condition. She shoves his tongue back into his mouth (he wiggles it around in a very slimy way, ugh) and is forced to tell her the truth about Fiona being the villain in every murder story that surrounds her. He then declares his undying devotion to Fiona, but is cut short when Zoe drives a knife into his chest, killing him. In her quest to take Fiona down, Zoe doesn’t need the evil henchmen breathing down her neck, so it makes sense she silenced him forever.
After she’s done murdering Igor aka Spaulding, Zoe goes to take a shower. Madison approaches her just as she’s getting out about her tryst with FrankinKyle. She tries to defend herself in saying that Kyle is the only one that can relate to what she’s going through and that he’s the only one that can make her feel anything and she’s not willing to give that up. I wouldn’t give up orgasms either, so you go girl. Madison isn’t entirely heartless though, as she knows that Zoe has strong feelings for Kyle (she did bring him back from the dead) and suggests that they can both have him. Zoe at first is not a fan of the idea of sharing, but Madison guides her into the bedroom, where a smirking Kyle and romantic candles await them. Madison gets onto the bed with Kyle and they both reach their hands out to Zoe (still in a towel) in a sweeping gesture of romance. Or just a very inappropriate three-way invitation with two dead people, but either way, the towel falls to the ground and sh*t gets real.
Back over to Queenie’s internal struggle of turning over LaLaurie, she decides to talk with LaLaurie about any regrets she might have. This is Queenie’s attempt at giving her one last shot at redeeming herself as a human being, but LaLaurie goes on to tell a ghastly story, in the hopes that it will translate as her trying to be Queenie’s friend. Unfortunately, it does the exact opposite and solidifies Queenie’s decision. LaLaurie tells her about how she’d get the blood for her unorthodox beauty regime, and that one night she asked a kitchen slave, whom had just had a baby boy (with LaLaurie’s cheating husband) to be her new chamber maid. At first this seems like a wonderful promotion to this poor woman, but when the twisted LaLaurie shows her the blood of her now dead baby son (as shes pouring it on her face), the maid loses it and throws herself off of the balcony. LaLaurie tries to explain to Queenie that it was a different world back then and that she regrets her wrongdoing, but its too late.
Queenie tricks LaLaurie into going to Marie’s hair salon for a ‘girls day’ of beauty. Once inside, Marie and her voodoo tribe appears and takes LaLaurie to a cage where they lock her up. Queenie then makes a cut on her now doomed ex-friend. The episode closes with Marie painting her face with blood, just like LaLaurie used to, and upon completion says, “Beautiful”. We can only assume that the blood was LaLaurie’s but only time will tell as we wait for next week’s episode.
Let us know in the comments section below what you think lays ahead for our downtrodden group of witches and dead things!