Look deep into my crystal ball for this week’s installment of ‘American Horror Story: Freak Show’!

We open on that suave lady killer, Mr. Dandy Mott. He’s getting his fortune read by ‘oh-please-wont-you-go-away-for-the-love-of-god’ Maggie Esmeralda. Being the phony that she is, she sees nothing in that crystal ball of hers; not the Avon lady that came a knock knock knocking on heaven’s door (or in this case, a fiery hellscape from which there is no return) and had her head chopped off and then sewn onto the deceased Lady Mott’s body. A rag doll version of the necromancy variety, of Bette and Dot, available for purchase this festive Christmas season. I actually got a kick out of this because seriously it looks f*cking crazy and made me long for the days of Twisty and his amazing, painted grin. Sigh. Anyway, here’s a $100 for your troubles Maggie, and for being such a dumb-ass that  you cant recognize the man’s voice sitting before you was the second clown that tried to saw you in half. Well done, gold star for you!

Over to the land of the grotesquely weird food fetishists,  Jimmy and Ima. Jimmy is still on a bender ever since his mother died, but Ima is right there to comfort him, mouth wide open and ready for that airplane spoonful of pudding. In his drunken stupor, Jimmy sees Dandy making his exit and unsuccessful challenges him to a duel (literal a swing and a miss). Dandy goes on with his ‘I am God, nothing can touch me, not even your alcoholic stench’ blah blah blah rampage and then goes about his business back into town. 

From here we get one step closer to the poor Tattler sisters seeing their dreams of separation come true.

Really it’s just Dot’s plan but Bette can’t really make a run for it, pun intended. And horribly made. Anyway, Elsa and too big for his britches porn-stache Stanley find them in a hotel room and conveniently weave a web of lies that there are freak lynching mobs everywhere (just ask Ethel…) and they’re moving them to a secure location out in the middle of the woods. But only until the doctor comes of course. As the sisters are waiting, they have a teary heart to heart that if only one of them can live, Bette wants it to be Dot. She could never survive without her and doesn’t what to be separated, so, she’s going to give up her life if that’s what it means for one of them to at least start living as a whole person instead of two half people. I must admit Sarah Paulson really crushed it in this episode, I mean playing two heads of the same body is hard enough, but here you could really feel the isolation in them, the uniqueness she truly brings to each character. It didn’t feel contrived or forced, just seamlessly done on her part.

Meanwhile, after Jimmy finishes (sort of, not really) with sticking it to Ima (Maggie looks on, it’s very awkward for everyone involved, especially this humble viewer) but once he’s figured he’s satisfied enough ladies of the freak tent, he heads on over to his favorite bunch of sewing circle gals. This time, they’re having a Jimmy Penishands Tupperware party and oh boy do they have a treat in store for them! After one unsatisfied housewife comes out of the back bedroom (‘he kept…missing…’) Jimmy storms out behind her and begins his Freudian bender hallucination, when he mistakes one of the plain Jane’s for hes dearly departed mamma.  It was an absolute wonder to see Kathy Bates, beard and all, in a house dress, adorned in pearls and scolding her only son for his current misguided life choices. Just like June Cleaver would have done with her friends, I’m sure. Jimmy comes too after leaving his dignity and some tears on poor Jane’s dress and scrams outta there in a flash.

A nano-second later (seriously, he must have been like hiding in the bushes the entire time), Dandy comes a knock knock knocking on these ladies door, and they are about to get the treat they’ve been waiting for. A Warren Cleaver character shows up later, to discover that the group of horny housewives with a passion for Tupperware, have been mass murdered and thrown the swimming pool, which can also double as a mass grave if you’re in a pinch.

Dandy actually out did himself in my book with what he did next; he’s seen actually putting the Tupperware to good use (finally, someone had to) by storing the blood he took from each of the plain Jane housewives that he just brutally murdered. Such a subtly funny scene – really really enjoyed it. Regina blazes in like she owns the place while Dandy is preparing his bloodbath (literally) and exclaims that the police are aware of her missing mother, and they’ll be hell to pay, blah blah blah. Dandy isn’t phased by this or his nudity, for he has yet another ‘I am God’ speech in case you felt the first one was a tad too subtle.  He spares her because he thinks she has value and she high-tails it outta there.

 Onto The Not So Strong Man, Dell, is having a bit of a struggle, with…well…living. He has a very disturbingly erotic encounter with pornstache Stanley, who shows him ‘the goods’ as Dell is trying to wonder into town or the woods or his gay bar (they never really make it clear, the sequence from here on out was a bit confusing in terms of timeline) but apparently Stanley’s big d*ck was the straw that broke the camels back. Dell goes back to his cabin, writes a suicide note, Ma Petite (RIP) makes a much too quick appearance, has a nice little chat with really-making-the-rounds-tonight-ghost-Ethel (went something like this: Ethel: “Dell you’re a pussy.” Dell: “No I’m not, I’m a big boy and I can kill myself all on my own. So there!”), gets up on the chair and successfully begins to end his life. Three boobs McGee, AKA Desiree gets there just in the nick and cuts his sorry ass down. Side mention – we were also introduced to what seems a past lover of Desiree’s earlier in the episode, a Mr. Angus T. Jefferson but I’m sure we’ll get more on him later. 

Moving back to the Mott house, we see are-you-stupid-did-you-not-understand-you’re-dealing-with-a-legitimate-psychopath-that-will-wear-your-skin-as-a-coat-and-dance-with-your-internal-organs, Regina returning with one cop to take on Dandy. ONE. F*CKING. COP. Lady, you deserve whatever you get after this. The cop doesn’t think Regina is telling the truth because have you SEEN Dandy’s pocket squares? And can you believe how big this foyer is? So he asks Dandy the simple few questions it takes to get our boy Dandy to start monologing AGAIN about how he’s God and everyone bow down, etc. He then longwindily tells Copper front and center that he’ll pay him a million smackers to keep his murderous exploits under-wraps. Without a second thought (for real it was like lightening fast, much like Dandy’s Tupperware appearance) he shoots Regina in the skull (again, she had it coming. I mourn for her not.). Thus a new alliance is formed and Dandy’s self-fulfilling prophecy is on its way.

It is here that I will mention the utter heartbreaking and soul crushing scene we have of Dot professing her undying love to Jimmy (Bette supports her and wants her to be happy) when they decided to not be separated and live out their lives together, as a family. Dot promises to make him happy, to take away his suffering, to give him twice the love any woman could ever give him (this is especially true) in a teary eyed confession of loyalty and true display of heartfelt and genuine affection. They de-robe and for a second Jimmy is into it, but then realizes one of his other pieces of lady meat, Maggie, is the one he really loves and doesn’t feel right about going forward with the Tattlers. Honestly Jimmy is getting more ass than anyone ever got on this show so my hat’s off to him, even if it is strange ass. The girls leave heartbroken and destroyed, and although it wasn’t hard to see this coming, it was still hard to watch. Rejection is a b*tch.

After this, the police show up to the freak show in full force, looking for puppy-dog eyes Jimmy, claiming he is the culprit of the housewife massacre (shocker they concluded it was him based on his glove being at the crime scene. Regular Nancy Drew’s these guys are). They take him away while the rest of the gang looks on helpless and screaming about his innocence. Maggie looks like a little girl in her mommies heals when they try to push her back from the car, its almost cute. If she weren’t the living worst.

So that concludes this week’s episode of ‘American Horror Story: Freak Show’ let us know what you thought in the comments section below! See you all next week, for the final few installments of this season!