So, it’s not secret that the economy has circling the drain for quite some time now. And I thought I knew why that was, until I had a startling revelation that turned all my assumptions on their head.
But let’s start from the beginning, shall we? My revelation comes with me re-watching The X-Files. Now, before I’m done with the third season of my epic rewatch, I realize that little things that have nothing to do with plot holes are bothering me to the point of distraction.
Every episode, I keep getting caught short wondering about minor details that had nothing to do with satanic fetal worship, or whatever implausible thing the show was investigating. Instead I started focusing on other questions, like who is paying for these airplane tickets? You know, the one Mulder uses after he reads something in tabloid and decides he needs to check it out.
This, of course, is immediately followed by my next question. Whatever Mulder’s driving, that is definitely not his car. In fact, it’s never his car. That means he rents at least one car per episode! Who pays for that?
Then what about the food? And the food he pays for potheads whose munchies probably brought up the food bill to astronomical prices?This man alone is responsible for at least 5% of our current budget deficit.
After he eats… Mulder needs to sleep, right? So, who pays for his hotel rooms he burns down?
He’s got to do his job. Who pays for the bodies he exhumes? The tests he performs? The hours of unwilling local officers of the law he drags along?
Furthermore, presumably he gets a salary, even though he gets everything he would need to live, like a cellphone (which in the 90s is not a cheap gadget to have), beds to sleep in, and food to eat. As far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t need a salary, but I know he totally has one. So… who pays for it?
The answer to all of these questions is obviously the government…
I’m starting to think that the FBI pays for everything but his porn, and even then I don’t wonder if he has a special XXX-file where he files those receipts.
And then I ask myself, who pays the government?
Then I get real quiet, like I always do when I’m murderously mad because I know who pays the government. It’s my taxes, and therefore me.
Then I think… when did The X-Files end? 2002? That sounds pretty close to when the economic downturn started.
That is obviously the reason for our economic problems. A fictional character on a fictional show spent a ton of fictional money, and now we have to pay for it with unemployment.
Well, you know what Mulder. Screw you and your unsolved mysteries. While you’re jet-setting around the States, chasing aliens and getting infected with alien viruses, I’m having to work three jobs, and none of them sound as cool as FBI agent.
What’s worse, The X-Files goes on for nine seasons! Nine seasons of over twenty episodes each! I don’t even want to know what sort of financial damage he is inflicting in fanfiction. It’s undeniable, then, who is to blame for our current economic predicament:
Bad mortgages, bad economic policies, and bad politicians.
But Mulder? Mulder is a close second.
So I guess my point is this: Are we really sure we’re ready for the financial damage Mulder will inflict in the new comic series? And can our economy survive?