Ryan Murphy is NOT wasting time here people. He and Brad Falchuk want their viewers to be as confused/uncomfortable/hot and bothered/and maybe even a little outraged as possible, and they want it to happen now. Well mission accomplished, guys. Last night I geared up to watch the season 5 premiere of ‘American Horror Story: Hotel‘ because not only is it a show I’ve come to worship but I also had some things to achieve in the realm of recapping. This season is taking no prisoners and trust me when I say the envelope is 100% being pushed here.

So instead of my traditional recap format, I’m gonna give you a peek inside this noggin of mine, take from it what you will.

10pm: Start ‘American Horror Story: Hotel’ – I’M STOKED Y’ALL

1. Main title sequence rolls:  God I love these, and here we’ve got a super cool neon, moody-as-f*ck roll happening; ohh the Ten Commandments sneaking in there, I wonder if they’re going to do anything during the series akin to the movie ‘Seven’ and its Seven Deadly Sins. That would be rad.

2. OK stupid foreign all be it hot girls check in. This hotel is beautiful, I love it. The girls sass Kathy Bates – big no no. Try to get ice but then run into a towhead boy and girl that could either be a combo from ‘The Shining’, ‘Children of the Corn’ or ‘Village of the Damned’ – that was fast. Girls think the room smells, switch rooms idiots. Moldy-Decaying-Human-Being comes out of mattress which turns out to be the cause of the rancid smell. OK good they’re running out of the hotel, finally something smart.

3.  Wait just kidding they’re even dumber then I thought – they run back to Katy Bates instead of fleeing for the cops. Sigh. Ok Kathy’s putting them in Room 64 which I’m assuming is another homage to ‘The Shining’. I mean I guess I knew Murphy would be pulling a lot from that movie but I suppose I was expecting it to have more of a twist? IDK. OMG bitch fell asleep on the bed. OK the other friend is passed out, and being sucked on by two towhead demon children in the bathroom; what’s that all about?

4. Cut to Wes Bently and his appropriately cast brooding eyebrows. God he’s hot. OK eyes and a tongue in an ashtray belonging to a cheating man and woman; woman is dead and I’m betting the man wishes he was too. Why in God’s name are they making this guy suffer by letting him just chill with his hands nailed into the headboard? Oh God his di*k is superglued inside this woman. I wonder if they had to screw until the glued dried…. This whole scene is def a pull from ‘Seven’ as predicted – I’m guessing this one is lust?

5. Wes back tracks to an old case – an Oscar blogger that was brutally violated with I’m guessing his Oscar (which he won assumably for his stellar blog hahahahahahahhahahhaha. Yah. Right.) They found gold flecks in places they should not be. Ever. Reads to his kid, can already feel the estrangement from he and his wife, sad.

6. OMG Max Greenfield looks AMAZING. I cant wait to see what his character does this season. OK is he with a very ‘Nancy’ (of the famous couple, ‘Sid and Nancy’) Sarah Paulson? Are they a couple? OK going to Room 64, not a good sign. Ah he’s a heroin junkie, makes sense. Wait,what the hell is he hallucinating? Its like the human form / cross hybrid of the Rubber Man from AHS, Season 1 and a gooey mummy rat. Wait. WTF is strapped to his penis or is that his penis? Is that a drill??? OMG. WAIT. STOP. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Just tell Sally you love her so it will stop raping you!! Oh. My. God. I will never be able to un-see this. Max deserved better then to die by being anally raped by this demon rubber drill mole in the first freaking 20mins of the show. This is gonna haunt me for sometime. Jesus that was brutal. How the hell is Murphy getting away with showing that on cable? Ballsy to say the least.

7. OK , Wes gets to the hotel because apparently the ‘Seven’ like serial killer likes to call him to provide updates on when and where he’s going to kill again. How convenient it’s at The Hotel Cortez. Oh well maybe he’ll help Max once he gets to Room 64 and end his sexual torture. Oh god what if it rapes him too? No he’s a main character they wouldn’t do that. Ummmmm seriously? Not only do you go alone but you fall asleep almost immediately? Do you have a death wish or something? Serial killer is gonna get your ass for ‘Sloth’ for sure. Oh good Max isn’t dead, just laying under Wes’s bed in a pile of his own vomit. Phew. Is one of the towheads his son? Holden, cute name…

8. OK this scene is epic. I love this ‘She Wants Revenge Song’, I can’t believe I forgot about it for this long (FYI its “Tear You Apart”) . OMG I love everything about this Lady Gaga / Matt Bomer reveal sequence. Yah Gaga is Queen. The costumes and hair/makeup departments are CRUSHING it already. Those outfits. That veiled hat.  I’m not even mad at those goth ‘Michael Jackson’ gloves. Damn Bomer is looking aces. No dialogue, ugh this is amazing. OK hilarious they’re at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery and ‘Nosferatu’ is playing (I’m guessing they’re vamps at this point, especially since we didn’t see them all day) – again, so so good. OK they’re into four-ways with another couple, I hear that’s pretty big these days. Awww Gaga and Bomer are actually pretty cute together, they seem like they’re really in love. #undeadrelationshipgoals . OK never mind, this isn’t gonna end well for the humans. Ok throat slitting commences; gotta say the special effect on this is fantastic, its really like…spurting everywhere, I’m impressed. Call housekeeping – my new favorite line. Best sequence in the show so far.

9. Oh the foreign girls are alive and strapped into iron neon lit stand up cages. Blargh just kill them already and get it over with, they’re throwaways. Bates tries to make them drink gross but seemingly like nutritional stuff so why are they being weird? Just drink it and get it over with. Ok Paulson is back, I’m sensing she might be trapped in this hotel like in S1 of AHS ‘Murder House’. Ok she sets one of the foreigners free. Interesting. OK Gaga slits the runaways throat, puts the fear of god into Bates. Boring.

10. OK how many things is Murphy trying to throw into this episode? This backstory of how Bomer came to be at Hotel Cortez is so random – basically Paulson brings him there to shoot up, Bates is his mom and tries to follow him and stop them, a very ‘Elizabeth Taylor’ esque Denis O’Hare makes her pay the piper before he lets her into the room he and Paulson are getting high in. Bates gets in finally, finds her son dead, Paulson doesn’t GAF and leaves but Bates catches up to her and pushes that junkie straight out a damn window. She hits the pavement and is very very dead which makes me circle back to my original thought of her spiritual imprisonment at Cortez. Bomer’s death is his meet-cute with Gaga and thus the couple of this century or any other is born.   Side note – I think Gaga def had a hand in the music this season, its freaking rocking my socks off; so sexy and like moody and makes me want to sashay down a dimly lit hallway its so good.

11. More backstory: Holden the towhead was apparently abducted off a merry-go-round in 2010 when Bently wasn’t paying attention. Sad but apparently his kid is living in Gaga’s hotel as one of the children of the damned so maybe there’s a reunion in site? Also WTF is up with those kids? I mean yah its rad that they get to play video games and snack on sweets all day but what’s with the blood sucking? Where did the others come from? Why is Gaga keeping them? Did she steal them? Can she go outside? WHY DO I HAVE ALL THESE QUESTIONS?

12. Back to present day: Bently makes yet another bad dad call and brings his daughter to a supposed crime scene where her mother/his wife could be in danger. That little girl is totally gonna see her mom dead in some horrifying way. She’s going to need therapy. God cops are stupid on this show. OK he is face to face (sort of) with the ‘Seven’ serial killer but there’s no way they’d let him catch him this early. Yep little girl found two dead dudes with their bowls hanging out. Nice. Again with the therapy.

13, OK he’s leaving them for their safety in case psycho killer comes after him again. Smart. New owner comes in looking like Daddy Warbucks with that absurd outfit. His son is doomed to become apart of the towhead kid club. Gaga is either gonna f*ck him, kill him or maybe a combo of both. Bently checks into the Hotel Cortez, in Room 64 and I can feel in my gut this isn’t going to have a happy ending for anyone.

There you have it folks; in a nutshell this season is the darkest, most graphic and moodiest season from Murphy yet, and we’re only on episode one. If you can believe it there was a lot more stuff I could have dedicated some ink to on this recap but I’m trying to give you the cliffs notes, because even though I watched it, I still don’t know if I can even articulately say whats going on. Just don’t turn that dial yet, something tells me we’re in for one demonic ride.

Let us know in the comments section below what you thought about the premiere!