It’s hard not to notice that there’s a ton of buzz and enthusiasm about Apple’s iPhone 5. The company received two million orders the first day the product came on the market, and as we’ve seen with previous iPhone releases, people were camping out overnight to buy something that’s ostensibly just an incremental update to what they already have in their pockets. Analyst Gene Munster predicts Apple will sell eight million units over this first weekend the product’s available.

Couple that with the recent release of the Russian film ‘Branded‘, a weird sci-fi screed about how brands control our very world, oozing out of our heads like monstrous silly string and the zeal that fans showed when comedian Jimmy Kimmel showed people the very same phone that they already had but told them it was the iPhone 5 (see the hilarious video) and there’s no question, something’s going on here.

Here’s my theory: the Apple iPhone is actually part of a fiendish plot from the future where we’ve been genetically manipulated through GMO foods [they’re just tweaking the genetic code to improve crop yield? sure they are] to be inexplicably drawn to Apple products in a manner far beyond the value of the products themselves, trained to pay more than they’re worth, in the unattainable drive that we obediently call “the desire to be the coolest kid on the block”.

Who’s done this? The Apple Corporate Nation.

In the future, all the coy funding of the government by corporations will be open and clear, with Corporate City/States managing all major population centers throughout the world. You can see the glimmerings of it today, with Monsanto patenting our food supply, patent “trolls” being belittled by the media even as they pay patent license fees over daft things like the drop shadow on a Web page button or the doorknob on their office door and corporations buying up rainforests and small African nations left and right.

When Apple does become the dominant city/state in the region formerly known as North America, their savvy about not splitting their stock so normal people can buy it will become apparent. And what will they need more than anything? Acolytes, blind adherents to the Apple faith, and money. Lots of money. Billions, no, trillions of dollars.

And once the iTime device is perfected, they’re not going to travel back in time to do something dumb like kill their grandma or beat up Hitler when he was a kid, they’re going to tweak and fine tune western culture to increase their future power and control.

Enter the iPhone. And the iPad. And the MacBook. And the iMac. And… who knows what’s next. The iPhaser? The iTransporter?

Even writing this might be causing a slight peturbation in the future line that has Apple gain complete dominence, but doesn’t all suddenly make sense? What is the secret behind Apple’s astonishing success if not something from the future?

And as for me? I need to go hide in the mountains for a while…