Last month, I rattled off a list of the 10 Avengers I most wanted to see in the sequel. The Avengers hype continues, as there are now rumblings of a director’s cut hitting theaters in the late summer. There are definite fan favorites that fans are dying to see make the jump to the silver screen, but let’s face it, there have been some real clunkers on the team as well, that I hope Joss Whedon and company never go near. Take a look:
Stingray possesses a suit of armor that allows him to go on adventures beneath the ocean. Well, if the Avengers need someone to operate underwater, why not utilize Namor the Sub-Mariner who is super on land or in the sea? Heck, Iron Man’s armor lets him operate underwater and on land and in the air. In the comics, He was only granted honorary membership because he let the Avengers crash on his Hydrobase after the Masters of Evil trashed their mansion. They never even let him go on adventures with them!
13 year-old Elvin Haliday was hiding from bullies, when he was exposed to toxic waste which morphed him into (what seemed to be) a man in his thirties. He gained super human strength, went shopping at an S&M store and topped off his dominatrix gear with a Luchadore mask. He tried to join the Avengers by accusing them of racism, because there weren’t enough minority members. Later, he aided the New Warriors in stealing a Quinjet and was fired. Rage’s biggest issue is his superior mediocrity. Exposure to toxic waste? Zzzzzzz. Super strength? Zzzzzzz. And did I mention his terrible costume? If you need a black guy with super strength, I have two words for you. Luke and Cage.
If he had a sitcom, it would be called ‘Everybody Hates Sentry.’ Seriously. Everbody. His costume sucks. He’s a Marvel rip-off of Superman but is mentally unbalanced and he might even be his own arch enemy The Void. I admit, I smiled when he ripped Carnage in half. But his constant moping and mental problems made him tiresome really quickly. Thankfully, Thor finally killed him and threw him into the sun, after The Void became too dangerous a threat.
Century sounds formidable. He has the combined powers and skills of the 100 finest warrior from his alien race the Hodomur. Unfortunately, he’s just the epitome of 90s suck. His nature made it difficult for him to keep his 100 personalities in check. He often talks like a thesaurus, saying three words that mean the same thing. He recently helped Simon Williams as a member of his team The Revengers, but was defeated by The Avengers and incarcerated. Let’s hope he stays there.
6. Silver Claw
More than anything, Silver Claw represents two things no one likes: she’s a brand new made up character on what is supposed to be an all-star team; and she’s a Mary Sue. Lesser known heroes have flourished on the team– Hawkeye and Scarlet Witch just to name two– but no one wants a wide-eyed young novice taking valuable page space from Cap and Thor. And she was a Latina character, created by a Latino writer and given the plum coincidental role as Jarvis’ adopted neice. Mary Sue.
5. Gilgamesh, The Forgotten One
An Eternal with god-like might, he certainly delivers in terms of power, but the Avengers already have two warrior gods, Thor and Hercules and either of them is more interesting than the stoic, vanilla Gilgamesh. His name “the Forgotten One” is sadly perfect. Also, cow helmet? Really?
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Church of Scientology the Triune Understanding, Triathlon has the strength, speed and stamina of three men. Seriously. That’s it. Um, you know Captain America is already tougher than that, right? And what about Thor? It even makes someone with no powers like Hawkeye seem more interesting, because he has an expertise. It doesn’t help matters that he is also kind of a jerk.
Shi’ar warrior Deathcry has the typical “animal” powers, agility, claws, yadda yadda yadda. But what she boils down to is an attempt to make the Avengers more like the X-Men. It was the gritty 90s and she could have just as easily been a member of Youngblood or the Blood Pact or any other generic XTREME super squad. Boo!
2. Doctor Druid
A fat, bald, past middle age hypnotist? The only reason his presence on screen could be justified would be to give the audience’s eyes a rest from all the other sexy stars. He turned into a nasty customer, betraying the team under the thrall of Terminatrix. Also his weakness is iron. So that could be problematic.
1. Demolition Man (a.k.a. D-Man)
A former wrestler, Dennis Dunphy cobbled together a suit that resembled Daredevil’s first costume with Wolverine’s mask. But the hero never had the necessary confidence and was constantly failing in battle. Eventually, he befriended the Zero People, a bunch of homeless folks and lived with them. That’s right, a super hobo! Other heroes constantly complained about his smell and made fun of him. He has since been brainwashed into becoming the murderous Scourge.
Well, those were some real stinkers! (Get it?) It kind of takes some of the prestige that goes along with the name “The Avengers.” Hopefully, they’ll all fade away into the ether and no one will get any bright ideas about utilizing them either in the comics on on screen.
What do you think? Are there any others that you’d be even more upset to see onscreen? Comment below.