Poltergeist posterLast night something happened. I, in my mid-to-sort-of adult life, got to bear witness to a re-make of one of my all time favorite movies, ‘Poltergeist.’ I mean OF ALL TIME. My love for this film is described in my freaking ScienceFiction.com profile for crying out loud.

That being said, re-makes are a tough bag sometimes, you guys. You want to be subjective/keep an open mind while still being loyal to the relic that you’ve come to know and love. This movie raised me, basically. And I am not in the habit of betraying the things I love most in this world.

Now that I feel I’ve sufficiently declared my undying obsession with the original, I want to tell you all, this is what I went into  the theater thinking:

1) This is going to be a PG-13 piece of sh*t.

2) No one can out babe Craig T. Nelson from the 1982 original and DID Steven Spielberg really direct it?

3) ‘This House is Clean’ better be uttered, or I’M LEAVING THE F*CKING THEATER.

4) Someone’s face better be ripped/melted off (as it was in the original), and I better see a steak crawling around on a counter, covered in maggots or there will be hell to pay.

5) The tree. THE TREE.

6) Duh, the Clown doll (which, even in the original didn’t make a ton of sense to me, but OK because it’s horror) better have some kind of appearance or this is some bullsh*t .

7) I hate CGI and this is going to be caked in it. (insert deep sigh here).

8) Can I sneak wine into the movies because I need to self medicate if this film is terrible, and thusly crushes my soul and overall spirit.

9) The original was rated PG (as was ‘Jaws’ to give you some scale on the time period),  and that is pretty freaking bad ass.

10) Thank god my mom and cousin came with me, because if I need to cry into someone’s shoulder, I have a built in support system. Le Relief.

Alright, this is what I thought coming out of the theater after seeing the film:

1) Names and overall plot are different but in the general storyline is the same. Solid and I like that.

2) Sam Rockwell is a BABE. He doesn’t take the place in my heart that Craig T. holds but its a pretty close second.

3) Love that they made the brother and older sister more involved in getting the youngest sister back. Solid move.

4) The mom is a throwaway character. No spirit. No commitment. No impact on the movie or family dynamic as a whole.

5) Closet scene is replacing the face melting/pulling off and it’s not a sorry replacement. I was legit rubbing my palms in girlish angst while watching. Well done.

6) The clowns. AWESOME. I love that they added more and that they were more twisty, creepy, and overall sadistic. This might / probably is the best tweak to the film.

7) CGI – yet again you rear your ugly head, and we all side-eyed each other at the portions of the movie that portrayed the ever tired ‘reaching ominous hands’  scenes. GET A NEW GAG. THIS ONE IS TIRED, PEOPLE.

8) Seemed a bit short, would have liked more of an ending (but in this day and age (sub-rant – I’m in my late 20’s and therefore relevant and not ancient. End sub-rant) PG-13 movies are never over 2 hours and therefore never really make you care about the characters.)

9) Love that they’re still making the parents in love and fun. Was one of my favorite things about the first one. #relationshipgoals.

10) This doesn’t suck.

OK, so there you have it. I wanted to hate it, but I didn’t. This is my humble opinion on the original tried and true, stab me in the heart, I love you so much, you were the horror movie that popped my horror cherry, a film that I’ll show to my kids-grandkids and the neighbors kids that didn’t even ask to see it.

I’m obviously biased on the original, but as far as remakes go, this one is fairly good. Rent, but don’t run to see this.  Your 13 year old son will love to take his Jr. High girlfriend to this, at which she will swoon and cling to his chicken bone arms. You’re welcome in advance.

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