The tension is running high this week at Kappa house everybody. Despite the fact that Zayday ‘Yes I Can’ Williams is still trapped in the Red Devils pit (ala ‘Silence of the Lambs’ style), she is giving Chanel a run for her money in the race for Kappa president.
Not that Chanel isn’t holding her own – she came up with basically every horror nerds dream ‘Pumpkin Patch’, which ironically isn’t really a patch at all. Its more of a sick ass full scale replica of the maze from ‘The Shining’ (snow included), creepy fountains that piss vodka redbulls and all the glowy yet sadistic looking pumpkins you could ever ask for. I mean Halloween is the BIGGEST candle night of the year you guys.
The cherry on top of this full proof plan is having all of the Chanel’s dressed up as the wife of a fallen president. Chanel No.1 is of course the iconic Jackie Kennedy circa 1961 pink Chanel suit (duh). Chanel No. 3 bargains her way into being Nancy Reagan, Chanel No. 5 slated to be Mary Todd Lincoln (a punishment for her inability to reunite ‘Led Zepplin’. Apparently one of those guys died in the 70’s…). Yes the tongue-bashing is still happening between Chanel and Chanel N0. 5 but you gots to keep your minions in line.
When crusty old Dean Munsch throws a wrench into Chanel’s plan while simultaneously crushing those suffering from Black Hairy Tongue Disease when she announces that a curfew is now set in place for everyone, campus is closed, and horror upon horror, Halloween is cancelled. During this little town meeting that Munsch calls at KKT, along with the Dickie Dollar Scholars frat brothers in attendance (including an armless Caulfield; mental high five for not dying bro!), my main man Chad Radwell gives an empowering speech about not letting fear ruin the sluttiest night of the year. Down with fear they say!
“Because on this night, even shy kind of homely girls dress up as total sluts”- Chad Radwell
But oh hell to the no with rules! Chanel finds a sneaky little loop hole and sends an even sneakier email to the student body by claiming her ‘Pumpkin Patch’ will be open at 12:01am on November 1st. Because after all, Chanel Oberlin is above the law….
Well not really. The backstabbing Hester/Chanel No. 6 teams up with toenail-cookie-making-Chanel No. 5 and the totally enraged all be it justified batsh*t candle blogging pledge, after they show her Chanel’s lit-it-and-quit-it closet full of Diptyque candles (F to the Y people, these things run like $60 a pop…). They turn on Chanel’s ass faster than a drunk friend that took the last piece of pizza, and get her cotton ball eating ass thrown into jail for the murder of Ms. Agatha Bean.
But fear not, Predatory-Lez and Chanel No. 3 bail her out of the shortest ‘Chanel is the New Black’ roll known to man, at which point she shows us mere mortals what a boss bitch looks like while sashaying out of jail. #slowmotioncameragoals
Once Queen C returns to Kappa, she reigns brimstone and hellfire down upon Chanel No. 5 for ratting her out, which of course she claims innocence to, and bestows upon her the task of lighting every single candle around her pumpkin patch. Even though its past curfew. Even though the killer is probably out there. Even though she’s probably going to get her head sawed off.
Chanel No. 5 enlists the two halves of her Eiffel Tower boyfriend set – Rodger and Dodger, and they embark on the lighting ceremony. During which the numbskulls think its a great idea to enter into the ‘Shining’ maze. But who am I fooling here, I’d be running into that thing like a kid in a freaking candy store. The boys profess their love for Chanel No. 5 but she can only choose one (Rodger) and from there they split up. Low and behold the Red Devil takes his cue as residential serial killer and begins to stalk all three of them. Chanel No. 5 realizes that the Red Devil will be able to track them so she suggests walking in their footprints backwards to cover their tracks. Rodger relays this to Dodger, (but the dumbshit that he is, he literally starts walking backwards) only moments before the Red Devil finds his poor rejected ass and gets him with the gardening sheers.
However while Chanel is doing her little stint in jail, Grace ‘I’m too sexy for my pageboy cap’ takes this time to try and rally her sisters into searching for the still missing Zayday. Indifference and ambivalence are all the other gal pals can muster, so its up to Grace, Pete, ‘You have the right to remain sexy’ Denise Hemphill and Grace’s post-coital-oh-yah-we’re-totes-an-item-now father and Gigi to lead the search. Let it be known that at this point Denise still believes Zayday to be the killer, so she’s really just going to arrest her ass but still, all the help they can get, right?
Thanks to modern technology, the wonders that are the stalking abilities of GPS and the ‘find my phone’ app, they find Zayday’s location pretty easily, and go into the depths of the Red Devils lair (aka the spitting image of Buffalo Bills haunt in ‘Silence of the Lambs’) armed with tazers and compasses. Please note though during their ‘how to find Zayday’ sequence, Gigi spits out a little too much knowledge about the dirt surrounding the ‘Haunted House’ from which Zayday was kidnapped and where she was revealed to be the ‘Hag in Black’ from last weeks episode. Make mental notes readers.
The Scooby gang splits up into two groups from here: Grace, her dad and Pete – Team Red; Denise and Gigi – Team Devil. Both teams find creepy serial killer standards like masks and various weapons of torture, but when the Red Devil rolls up to the scene and turns off the lights all hell breaks lose (I had to take it). In a panic Denise tazes Gigi in the boobs but that doesn’t stop Gigi from tazing (albeit on accident) the Red Devil in the throat. They celebrate much longer then they should before realizing that turning on the lights might be a good idea. Denise runs to get the other team and restore power to the lair, while Gigi sits with the killer.
Once they get back to the scene of the tazing however, the Red Devil miraculously escapes by hitting Gigi in the face with a bat (which we don’t see actually happen. umm ok..) and jumps out a near by window. Or was it a garbage shoot? Either way homeboy escapes and they’re all left scratching their heads when they notice that someone else that should have been there is also missing. Zayday.
Cut back to Kappa where Chanel is now throwing an impromptu election since 90% of the people that would have voted for Zayday (aka Grace) are not in attendance and what a better time to be a cheating president. BUT WAIT! Zayday emerges like a phoenix from the ashes to regal her tale of capture from the Red Devil. Turns out what we thought was going to be a run-of-the-mill ‘It puts the lotion in the basket’ type relationship, was more of a getting treats and expensive lotions every once in awhile type relationship. Why you ask? Turns out the Red Devil is carrying a torch for ol’ Zayday and tries to take her on a pseudo lair date complete with Oakland Nachos. She uses the art of seduction to fool him into thinking she’s down to bone, but then quickly stabs his hand to the table with a fork, and makes her escape back to Kappa. Not the police. Yah, I thought the same thing too.
Anyway Grace busts in, tells the gang that Zayday is telling the truth and the girls cast their votes for the next president of Kappa. From here we see Gigi walking alone later that night, with the Red Devil in her wake. The Red Devil stops short when Gigi calls to him from behind a brick pillar stating, “You’re late. That got way out of hand. He’s gotta go. You understand me? Good – take care of it”, from which the wordless Red Devil nods and they disappear into the mist.
We wont know who wins the election OR who this ‘he’ is that Gigi is referring (Is it Pete?! Grace’s dad!? The other Red Devil!? Chad Radwell?!) so be sure to tune in next week!