I’ll say this again: “Scream Queens’ is the mother fu*king gift that keeps on giving” and this week’s episode ‘Haunted House’ is a prime example of that. As promised in last week’s article, I’m going to start coming in hot with the recaps and spoilers from here on out. I’ve given you all sufficient amount of time to binge watch and formulate your newest obsession that is this show. If you haven’t caught up on ‘Scream Queens’ by now there’s nothing I can do to help you.
First off, let’s start with the beginning 1o mins of this show aka, our introduction to my new favorite holiday, ‘Chanel-O-Ween’. Legit one of the best montages I’ve ever seen. Period. Join me in bizarro world where Chanel is basically Taylor Swift but much darker and much much more amazing. How, you ask? By sending her Instagram followers special gifts during the Halloween season such as severed heads, boxes of blood and razor apples. Basically every person that’s obsessed with Halloween’s dream. I do not disclude myself from saying that I would probably start crying bloody tears of joy if I were ever lucky enough to receive a rotting jack-o-lantern from the Queen of Darkness, Chanel. But who knows, wishes do come true so I’m not giving up hope yet. Cross your fingers for me guys.
From here we find Grace and Pete dressed up as Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey from ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days’, which doesn’t really make sense at first seeing as they’re standing in front of a loan trailer in the middle of nowhere. Turns out their using ‘trick or treating’ to gain entry / an audience with Mandy whom was one of the girls that bore witness to the 1995 ‘bathtub’ incident at Kappa. Apparently she’s been jonesing for someone to come a knock knock knock knocking on her trailer-park door so she could regal the story 20 years later.
Our girl Mandy breaks it down as follows:
1 – Mrs. Bean wanted to grind up the dead pledge into sausage and sell them at the farmers market. Or to the other sorority sisters.
2- Dean Munsch insists they bury the body themselves. Makes the girls wear hoods over their heads while driving them to a secret location to bury said body. Tells them all to never make contact with one another ever again. Drop out of school.
3 – Problem solved. Never happened. OK see ya, byeeeeeeeeeee.
But the most important take away from this hilarious all be it seemingly pointless tale is that Mandy states that the bouncing baby was in fact a GIRL. You can see the wheels turing in Grace’s head as she starts to slowly connect that she may in fact be the bathtub baby of 1995. She goes to her dad’s class while he’s showing ‘Children of the Corn’ (god I want to take his class so badly I can taste it) pulling the same ol’ song and dance one pulls in a horror movie when hidden elements of the past come rearing their ugly heads. “Why don’t we talk about mom”, “She conveniently died in a fire, and all of her stuff burnt up including my birth certificate”, “Am I the Bathtub baby?”, blah blah blah – you get the picture. The fact that the baby ended up being a girl also botches their ‘Chad Radwell’s the killer’ theory so its back to square one.
Over at house Kappa, Zayday announces that she’s now going to run for Kappa president and hold a haunted house fundraiser to battle sickle-cell anemia (thanks to the suggestion of her new Frat sidekick) which puts Chanel into a state of catatonic knife sharpening. There her and the other Chanel’s formulate a plan to throw a haunted pumpkin patch fundraiser to combat ‘hairy black tongue’ which looks about as bad as it sounds.
We find my man Chad roaming around a foggy cemetery touching grave stones in places they don’t want to be touched. Turns out he picks one that ‘feels good’ and gets his rocks off right then and there. Sooooo romantic! Well at least Hester seems to think so when she comes upon Chad unzipping his pants in front of deceased Dorothy but reassures him that she’s totally into it. Two peas in a pod this pair. And ahem, I called this twisty romance formulating, thank you very much.
Hester hints that if Chad awaits a text message from her to meet at an even scarier location in the future, she might ‘let him in the backdoor’ which to no surprise thrills Chad and the plan is set. You see, Hester wants everything that Chanel has, including Chad, so she’s not playing this one fast and loose, but creepy and calculated.
The next day we find the only members of the spooky Scooby-Squad, Pete and Grace at 53 Shady Lane which coincidentally Zayday and Frat boy are checking out as well to be the possible haunted house location they use for her fundraiser. We’re then joined by Denise Hemphill (quickly becoming one of the funniest characters on this show) as she and Pete, in unison to drop some knowledge on our young sleuths about the house. Knowledge they learned at their local library.
CliffsNotes on the history lesson – a literal old hag dressed in black is rumored to have lived in the house, in you guessed it 1995, and would roam about wailing and moaning about her dead children. The hag went on from being annoying to robbing a couple of stores for diapers and stole milk from a milk man (“They still had those in 1995??”) and collected toys from around the neighborhood and stockpiled them in the upstairs bedroom. No one ever really saw or heard from the hag after the bathtub incident. Oh also Denise once tried to pledge Kappa back in the day (which was a Wednesday) but was rejected. For this reason Zayday surmises that’s why Denise has got it out for her and constantly thinking she’s the killer. Good sleuthing, Zayday.
Over to Hester and Chad, the worlds most perfectly suited couple since Gomez and Morticia Adams, both receive ominous texts to meet at 53 Shady Lane, both of which assume the other sent. As they scour the house for the perfect place to go to bone town, Hester comes upon the dead body of Mrs. Bean, but thinking she’s a wax replica shoves one of her fingers into her rotting flesh, and quickly concluding that the body is real at which point she and Chad finally have normal reactions about being around dead bodies.
They run screaming around the house as more and more dead bodies surface (excellent nod to John Carpenter’s ‘Halloween’ here) including Ms. Bean, Chanel #2, Shondell, Coney and last but not least, poor trailer park Mandy – the Ex-Kappa that spilled her guts to Pete and Grace earlier in the episode. May they rest in peace.
Hester and Chad try to warn everyone at the coffee shop they flee to about the dead bodies at 53 Shady Lane but instead of being horrified, all the customers are titillated at the news that not only are there dead bodies, but they now have the perfect background for their next selfie.
Zayday, Grace, Pete and Frat Boy arrive to the haunted house confused as to why so many people are at the party before they had a chance to set anything up, but are quickly brought up to speed that there are some totally rad dead bodies in the house, bro. Zayday tries to kick everyone out but no one is about to let her get in the way of getting their groove on. Zayday then tries to get the cops out there to help with the situation but is caught off guard by none other then the Red Devil himself, whom presumably takes her captive from there.
A huge shout out to the cafeteria scene and every single word that comes out of Chad’s mouth this episode. I swear the writers are on fleek with this dialogue, it just never ceases to delight me with how amazing each one-liner is from the next. I hope in my next life I come back as a writer for ‘Scream Queens’ so I can know what it feels like to be that brilliant. #nextlifegoals
We conclude the episode with Pete and Grace deciding to not go to the cops for the zillienth time with information (or the fact that they know ’95 Mandy’s identity) and figure out how the Hag in black ties into everything, but duh its because she was more than likely taking care of bathtub baby once all the other Kappa’s got the hell outta dodge. Oh and one other thing. THE HAG IS REVEALED TO BE GIGI. Yah…not terrible shocked on that one either but the plot thickens as we continue on the epic journey of horror hilarity that is ‘Scream Queens’.
Body count: 1 – Trailer park Mandy
And the Killer is??: My money is still on Grace’s Dad but Dean Munch made me go hmmmmm a few times this episode. I was halfway hoping that Denise would be right all along in her assumption that Zayday was the killer but after this week’s episode it’s pretty hard to believe that theory. Boone is still waiting in the wings so I’m not 100% discrediting him either. Basically anyone could be the killer and anyone could be killed at any time. Just please please please don’t let Chad die. Just don’t. #chadforever
That’s it for this week’s recap Screamers, let us know who YOU think is the killer in the comments section below!