So last night was True Blood’s 5th season finale, and also Alan Ball’s last episode as a show-runner. How did it stack up? We got all the madness covered.

Beginning with Russell’s attack on the Fairy Strip Club, he did not, as I had hoped, eat the entire fairy population except for Sookie. Unfortunately, this episode started off with a big bloody red bang, specifically, Eric rushing in and killing Russell. “That felt even better than I thought it would.” Well maybe for you, Eric. Russell, you will be deeply, deeply missed. Steve Newlin scampers off… somewhere, leaving Eric, Sookie, and Jason. Jason, weirdly enough, took some sort of knock to the head and now is hallucinating visions of his dead parents, or something pretending to be them. because all they keep going on about is how Jason needs to make them proud and kill all the vampires. If those are his real parents, they’re kind of… disagreeable jerks, I don’t care if they were killed by some vampire. (That vampire entity? Warlow? Never showed up. Guess that’s for season six.) So Russell is out of the picture. So this brings Sookie, Jason, Eric, and Nora together, and, heading back to Fangtasia, where Tara tells them that Pam and Jessica are in Authority custody. “And you OWE Pam” Tara keeps reminding Sookie. Eric also thinks that Sookie might be the only one who can get through to Bill. So they grab some light-proof coffins, and enough vampire weaponry to fit an army.

Meanwhile, Sam and Luna are trying to get Emma out of the Authority, and when Sam’s idea of “reason with Bill while naked” fails, he’s forced to escape as a fly through the ventilation ducts. They devise a plan to escape, and Luna skinwalks, becoming Steve Newlin, without, of course, the southern accent. However, due to Steve and Russell’s slaughter at the frat house, Roslyn shoves Luna on live-television. She stumbles through the written speech before shifting back into her own body, telling them that vampires are keeping people locked up as a food supply before Roslyn cuts her off. But before Roslyn can go any further, Sam, still shifted as a fly, flies into her body and shifts back, literally tearing Roslyn apart from the inside. So, as of this season, they’re still stuck there.

Sookie and company devise a plan to get into the Authority, and Eric has to restrain Nora from eating Sookie’s delicious fairy blood. “You smell like something I dreamed about.” Nora says with a thousand-yard stare. On the way down to New Orleans, Jason and Sookie have a depressing real talk about how, with everything that’s ever happened, Jason doesn’t think that they should live their lives expecting good things to happen. “I refuse to live that way.” Sookie says. I’m really not digging this trauma-induced personality transplant that Jason has seemingly recieved. He’s gotten a lot to do this season and I’ve enjoyed that, but to suddenly make him cold and heartless because a bump on the head made him hate all vampires, including Jessica, is just… lazy. Jason leads an all-out assault on the compound, killing every last incompetent Authority security guard, who are so very bad at their jobs. Tara and Sookie help free Jessica and Pam, and Tara pulls the silvered-door open with her own hand and immediately kisses Pam. Sookie, totally unaware of any of these developments, gives an “Oh. Okay.” while Jessica beams. “I KNEW IT.” They meet up with Eric and Nora, and he shares a quick “hello” with his happy progeny. Look at that happy vampire family, guys. Amazing.

In the most ridiculous, eye-rolling, and somehow meta moment of the evening – Team Merlotte’s – aka Arlene, Lafayette, and Holly, aka “the show doesn’t know what to do with this” indulge in some mystery margaritas before watching Maurella give birth to Andy’s fairy spawn. Poor Holly, who has to deal with Andy’s infidelity, midwives for Maurella, although, for fairies, giving birth seems to be a less painful more… intimate experience. “I have no idea what’s going on.” says a drunk patron. “Who does?” Arlene replies. The intensely dumb scene is made pretty comedic by Arlene and Lafayette’s running commentary, even more so when Maurella dumps quadruplets on Andy and lives. “You’re a dick” Holly says. And scene.

Poor Alcide gets some nonsense about re-becoming the pack leader after he finds out that his pack is being force-fed vampire blood. He beats J.D. to death and becomes pack leader. He could have done this episodes ago. That was a severe waste of Robert Patrick and Dale Dickey.

And then there’s Bill. Oh Bill, who began this series as your standard tormented gentleman vampire. Long gone are the days of “SOOKEH IS MAHN” because Bill has officially drunken the blood of Lillith and been resurrected as a naked blood-soaked vampire God. Of course, that’s the last scene, but it’s proceeded by a great slow burn of Bill tricking Salome into thinking she is the true prophet before poisoning her with silver-laced blood. This story, despite it’s slow start and endless monologues about the Vampire Bible, was actually done with a lot of care and interest, which is new for this show, and the turn from making Bill from a tormented anti-hero into an actual villain started seasons ago. I actually think that Stephen Moyer is much more fun as a bad guy, with his sneering demeanor and cat-slit eyes, so I’m down with Bill being the next big bad, now that guys like Russell and Roslyn are out of the picture. The Authority story was a little convoluted, but it’s paid off in a pretty interesting way.

So we’ll have to wait all the long way until next summer to see where all this mayhem leads. Hope you enjoyed the ride, Truebies!

Stray thoughts:

  • Best Jason line of the night: “If I want to be a fool then I will be a fool! That’s my god-given right as am American!”
  • Is it me or has Eric gotten his groove back? He was pretty swaggery after killing Russell, playfully fooling around with Nora, immediately calling Tara “part of the family”, relentlessly teasing Jason. It was great, and he was coated in blood half the episode. I missed that Eric.
  • Vampires are so bad at security.
  • Jessica’s reaction to Pam and Tara was my reaction. Very much ready for that awesome vampire power couple.
  • Steve Newlin is still around, which is a blessing seeing as we basically lost the other sassy evil vampires like Russell and Roslyn.
  • Lafayette on seeing Luna shift from Steve Newlin on TV: “I did not see that shit comin’.” You and everyone both, LaLa.
  • “I told you the first night we met: Vampires often betray those they love the most.” Wow. I thought I was done with Bill and Sookie for good, but Moyer and Paquin sold that.

Did you miss an episode? Check out our recap of last week’s ‘Sunset‘.