All Hallow’s Eve is fast approaching and we thought we’d pay homage to one of the scariest groups of dream killers: the clown. There really isn’t a whole lot of things scarier than a clown, and I think its safe to say that 99% of the population are terrified of them. The non-scared 1% are, in fact, clowns.
Take my sister for example, is she scared of clowns? Yes sir! Did I use to hide photos of the most grotesque clowns I could find under her pillow? Absolutely! Did we hide clown dolls all over the house and wait to hear her shriek once she found them? You bet your sweet ass we did!
I dedicate this list to her, and everyone out there like her, and to you I say – GOOD LUCK GOING TO SLEEP TONIGHT.
10. ‘100 Tears’ – Gurdy the Clown
After this friendly looking chap was falsely accused of crimes he didn’t commit, Gurdy decides to start actually committing crimes. Makes sense. He exacts revenge on his wrong doers rightfully so, and it’s a wild and super bloody ride!
9. ‘Killer Klowns from Outer Space’
These oldies but goodies really put the Fun in Funhouse! When they crash land to earth, it is their mission to creep people out and turn them all into tasty cotton candy. Moral of this story: don’t follow comets, guys. Just don’t.
8. ‘Drive-Thru’ – Horny the Clown
Sure fast food will kill you but if it doesn’t, this horribly psychotic (and totally hilarious) clown will. Horny terrorizes a group of teens that are connected to his murder that took place years before they were even born. Guilty by association. Bummer.
7. ‘Zombieland’ – Zombie Clown
No one really likes clowns when they’re alive, so why would we like them when they’re dead? Or undead I should say. As Columbus would say ‘F*ck this clown’.
6. ‘House of 1000 Corpses’/ ‘The Devils’ Rejects’ – Captain Spaulding
More of a man than a clown, but a clown nonetheless. Captain Spaulding is one of those clowns that you love to hate. He’s a homicidal anti-hero as it were, but you’d probably still go get a beer with him. Lover of tooty-fruity ice cream and hacking people to bits.
5. ‘Poltergeist ‘- Clown Doll
First of all, what the hell, kid?! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHY DO YOU KEEP THIS AT THE FOOT OF YOUR BED?! You’re asking for it to strangle you and your hope of ever sleeping again. Just sayin’.
4. John Gacy
This clown is especially terrifying because he was a REAL person. This clown actually existed and actually killed people. Thought to be a normal guy, Gacy murdered close to 33 people and buried most of them in the crawl space under his home between 1972 – 1978. Think hard before you hire a clown to cheer up children in the hospital. Think very, very hard.
3. The Joker
Kind of a clown, kind of insane, The Joker is utterly terrifying. Take him anyway you want, be it in movie form, cartoon form or comic book form – he is one batsh*t crazy clown. Known for his constant blows against Batman and the good citizens of Gotham, this certifiably insane clown will dazzle you with his tricks and mayhem just before he kills you. Portrayed beautifully on the big screen by Heath Ledger, this is one clown you don’t want to get in the way of.
2. ‘Amusement’ – Tabitha
I shutter just thinking about this clown. We all know the story but that doesn’t make it any less scary. Tabitha is babysitting her two cousins during a thunderstorm at her aunt’s new house. She stumbles upon the guest room which is decorated entirely of clowns (WTF?!). One clown doll in particular scares Tabitha, as it’s life-size and sitting in a rocking chair. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it. When her aunt calls in to check on the kids, Tabitha expresses her unease at the life size doll. Her aunt then reveals she DOESN’T HAVE ONE! Needless to say, it all goes downhill from there.
1. ‘IT’ – Pennywise the Dancing Clown
He knows your name. He is the master of all that is clown horror. He will eat all of our souls. Damn you Stephen King for making such a send-shivers-down-my-spine-I’m-hiding-under-the-covers-where-is-my-mommy clown that will forever haunt our dreams and storm drains. Bow down and worship him.
Honorable Mentions:
- ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark?’ – Zeebo the Clown – Don’t steal his nose, or he’ll COME GET IT.
- ‘Stitches’ – Back from the dead, and he’s coming to your next birthday party. Get excited.
- ‘Clownhouse’ – Nuff said.
Suffice it to say, after this list, you will never see a clown the same way again….
