All aboard the Crazy Train! As always the following recap is rated TV MA DLSV and may contain suggestive dialogue, strong language, sexual situations, and violence. Intended for mature audiences, reader discretion is advised… or not.
Episode three opens with Clio, my ‘Defiance’ Crush, and Dyson, doing his best Han Solo hibernation sickness bit, on the Death Train. No worries though cause a few elemental smoke rings blown into his ear from Clio and Dyson has his transcendental train legs. Enter the conductor who lets our daring duo know their stop, well the only stop, is coming up. Dyson asks about Bo, the train shakes at the mere mention of her, and the conductor runs off. Another mention of our favorite lost girl and the train starts getting really grumpy, upping the screaming and the shaking. Clio looks decidedly uncomfortable, notes that untold damned souls are trying to get out, and that perhaps now would be a good time to get leave.
Cue Bo. She’s running through a forest in a low cut dress and sensible shoes. She’s clearly panicked but luckily comes across a huge boarded up house in the middle of nowhere and heads right in. Seems like a good idea. The place gives off the classic haunted house vibe; cobwebs, cracked mirrors, tapestries, and white sheets over all the furniture. Bo is quickly confronted by a family – mom, dad, stereotypical teen complaining about no wifi. The teen cracks Bo on the head with a frying pan and we fade to the mildly suggestive ‘Lost Girl’ intro logo.
Lefty loosey righty tighty we open with a repairman removing a file (is that a mug shot) from a heating vent. He is interrupted by an alluring woman in black who seems to know his past desires. She lays a finger on his forehead and he melts as if he just looked at the Ark of the Covenant. Oh hey, the woman is wearing a bloody eye patch and looking very familiar.
Cue Amber and Crystal in the diner. AmberLauren is organizing everything and awkwardly flirting with Crystal who is aggressively throwing out some really cheesy pick-up lines. Is this what men sound like?
We jump to Bo, waking up on a couch in the haunted mansion. Mom and spunky teen have been watching over her… and knitting up a storm. Kathy and Julia make proper introductions to the stranger they tried to brain back in the first act. Bygones. Bo is still disoriented and it doesn’t help that the husband is outside the window walking backwards and stringing a large amount of shoes on the clothesline outside. Bo is starving. Plane jumping apparently works up quite an appetite. Also she has a creepy voice in her head telling her to kill them all. The husband enters and we are treated to my favorite line in the episode, spoken by that precocious Julia, “Can you not look at my dad like he’s made out of hot dogs.” Ian wants Bo out, and he’s putting his foot down.
Cut to the Train. A desperate Dyson finds the maid on Bo’s bed and again says her name, much to the chagrin of the death train. The door opens and they discover Bo has jumped from the train, a bad thing apparently as the delirium, cramping, etc. caused by plane hopping without an anchor, or at least a hot elemental by your side, will lead to death. Time to jump off the train.
Back to Bo who is wandering around the haunted mansion. She comes across three metal doors that would not look out of place on a cell block. But there’s a bed and some bottled water so it all seems perfectly comfy. Of course the Jenkins family follows Bo downstairs and Ian, Bo’s nominee for father of the year, is pointing a shotgun right at her. This can only end well.
Bo saddles up her high horse and plays Tom Smykowski’s favorite game, pointing a finger at Ian and letting him know holding people against their will is a bad thing. Apparently the family is protecting Julia from a ghost. You see, the family is haunted and every year, on this exact day, a ghost comes for them. The only way to be safe is to lock themselves up for the night until it’s gone. The haunting was an inherited thing and nobody is happy about it. Good news for the Jenkins family though, dealing with weird sh*t is what Bo does best and she offers to help, which nobody wants. Time to throw Bo out and Julia in a cell.
Cut to female Nick Fury, who is actually everyone’s favorite Morrigan Evony! She’s getting her nails done when Massimo the Druid walks in. They exchange pleasantries, she turns the girl doing her nails to goo, and the two get down to business. He’s here to give her a new eye.
Cut to Julia’s cell. Bo enters, still a little dazed and confused and trying to understand what’s going on. Julia shows Bo the worst family album ever, explaining the family curse and blaiming it on father issues. The two sneak out of the cell.
Dyson and Clio are walking through the woods when they come across Clio’s friend John, who happens to be buried in the ground. As quite literally a part of the woods now, John knows everything that happens, including that Bo was here and where she went. Unfortunately that information comes at a high cost. Dyson has to let John suck his toes. Yeah, that’s right.
Back at the house Bo and Julia make their exit. Julia explains that the “ghost” can’t come inside until it tries on all the shoes and unties all the knots of the shoe clothesline. Bo realizes too late for Julia that they are not dealing with a ghost but rather a body jumper.
Back inside mom and dad are ticked off at Bo. Ian decides it’s time to kill Julia so she doesn’t have to live with the evil. The same evil incidentally that entered Ian as a boy and caused him to murder a whole lot of family. Cue the Exorcist remake. Julia rises off the couch, talking trash and being all demonic. No worries, Bo has this.
Jump to the diner and more awkward sexual tension with AmberLauren and Crystal. We get a little feel for Crystal’s back-story before cutting back to the house where Bo and Jumbee are having a tiff. Jumbee likes being evil and making innocent people do bad things. Bo doesn’t want to hurt Julia in the process and they fight to a draw, until the cavalry arrives. Yup, Dyson, fresh from his woodland toe-sucking adventure, arrives to save the day. Clio spoils the reunion by coming at Dyson with a knife. Seems the Jumbee jumped.
A quick cut to Crystal’s place shows AmberLauren arriving with a six pack and a whole lot of expectations.
Back to the house and Jumbee Clio. While everyone’s attention is on Clio Jumbee Denzels back into Julia who proceeds to slash her mom’s throat. Ouch. Thanksgivings are going to be awkward in the Jenkins house.
Back to Crystal’s place. They are having a moment and soon start getting busy. Time for some patented Lost Girl side-boob.
Cut to the woods outside the house. Bo and Dyson find a staggering Julia and Bo introduces herself to the Jumbee, Succu-style. Flashback exposition incoming. Way back when, the woman was engaged to Noah Jenkins. His family didn’t approve, thought she was a witch, and set out to prove that to Noah. A head dunking in the well revealed the Jumbee for what she was, an elemental. Noah didn’t care but his family sure did. They shot her, but not before Noah jumped in front to protect her. One bullet, two dead. Another awkward Thanksgiving incoming. Bo wakes up back in the house and realizes the vengeful Jumbee is never going to stop.
Snap over to Evony and her brand new eye. She vows to get rid of Bo when Massimo informs her that was so last season. He and Tamsin already did that. Evony is not a very gracious lady.
Back to Bo, still reeling from her out of body experience with Jumbee. She tells Dyson to go find the remains of the dearly departed almost newlyweds. They need to be buried together. This will end the torment and satiate the Jumbee’s need for vengeance. Dyson doesn’t want to leave Bo’s side now that he’s found her, but the Succubus is very insistent. Dyson leaves and Bo goes all crazy eyes. Dun dun dunnnnn!
Dyson and Clio are just about done combining remains when JumbeeBo arrives. Dyson surmises that the reason she is stuck in limbo is because they were never married and decides to perform the hitching right there. One ring for JumbeeBo, one ring for Dyson. Vows are exchanged and the spirit couple rise up from the graves and embrace. Bo is once again Bo and everyone is happy, except maybe Clio. She seems to have a thing for Dyson. No worries ‘Defiance Crush’, I’m available!
Back to Ronny’s and an incessantly ringing phone. Seems someone has been calling all morning asking about a Karen. AmberLauren is quite concerned, as that’s probably for her. She freaks out and heads over to Crystal’s to say goodbye and that she needs to disappear.
Bo says her goodbyes to the Jenkins family and her, Clio, and Dyson walk down the road. Dyson asks Clio to get them home and she responds by putting a knife to Bo’s throat. She lets everyone know that money talks and she is owed a big payday from Vex. Bo is pissed and beats the elemental out of Clio before Succu-draining the life out of her and leaving her to die in the middle of the road.
We wrap up with some quality car time. Bo and Dyson are driving home and sharing a moment. Bo can’t wait to see everyone. Dyson mentions the ghost train but then neither of them can remember anything about it. What train? Crystal picks up a hitch-hiking AmberLaurenKaren. Surprise! Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? The human is in trouble now. Final insult to injury, Bo and Dyson drive right past. Bo wants to stop and see what’s going on with the car on the side of the road but Dyson talks her out of it.
