Previously on Game of Thrones…
Theon Greyjoy is a spoiled brat (much like Joffrey) and horrifically murders two boys. The tables turn on Jon Snow and he gets schooled by a wildling girl. Daenerys Stormborn finds the location of her dragons but they aren’t in a good place. Jamie Lannister tastes freedom if only for a little while.

Here there be SPOILERS

All of the ravens in Winterfell are dead. Yara finally pays her brother a visit. Her arrival of thundering horses and fluttering banners is a sight to see. During diner she tries to use her testosterone to bully him back to the sea. It’s the method that’s worked to command her men. But Theon is one stubborn brat of a man. She clears the room. She will lose face if her men see the compassion she shows her brother. It’s definitely a surprise to see a softer side of this Iron Woman.  She implores Theon to return home and not die so far from the sea.

Beyond the wall – Ygritte keeps Snow alive for another day. She insists that Manse, King of the North, will want the bastard son of Eddard Stark. The skull masked leader agrees reluctantly. (Is that a Skeletor mask?) Her debt to Snow has been paid. This not-so-merry band of wildlings have Lord Qhorin captive. He’s the only one from the Night’s Watch scouting party they allowed to live. Jon feels even worse; not only could he not kill Ygritte but all of his fellow Watchmen were killed while looking for him.

On the battle front – Robb and Talisa walk slowly in the woods and speak of Rob’s arranged marriage and the honor of his father. (These two remind me of Ned and Caitlyn – made for each other.) A rider arrives to tell Robb that Jamie escaped in the night. Robb knows Jamie didn’t escape as soon as he sees his mother’s face. She LET him go. (Oh Caitlyn what have you done?!?) She committed treason. His only recourse is to place his mother under guard. He then sends 40 more men to aid the 40 that are already hunting him. Life’s much harder now as a ruler of men. Difficult decisions must be made even if they involve arresting your own mother.

Jamie wasn’t actually sent out free as a bird; Brienne has him still shackled and marching through the woods. Jamie tries his best to slay Brienne with his tongue but she has a mission and isn’t falling for his taunts. It will be a sight to see when these two master swordsmen raise steel!

At Harranhall – Tywin’s bannermen caution that King’s Landing will fall within an hour of Stannis Baratheon’s landing. They advise that Joffrey, Cersei, and the rest of court flee. They are Lannisters and Lannisters do not run. He may not be concerned with Stannis but Tywin fears Robb Stark. He’s young and unpredictable. He’s winning too many battles. Tywin has decided he will march his force at dark to gain an advantage. Arya is to stay with Clegane at Herranhall. (Interesting that Tywin made a point to assign Arya.) Soon after the meeting, Arya hunts for Jaqen but can’t seem to find him. She must do something to stop Tywin or to warn Robb.

Jon’s at the other end of the rope now. They’re taking him to the King of the North. Lord Qhorin wants Jon to try to win them over to stop them from marching on the wall. (I’m not sure how a bastard is going to do that.)

Tyrion and Bronn go round and round about wearing the gold cloak of the City Guard. Tyrion would like Bronn to look a bit more respectable. Bronn would like to stay a bit more hidden. (Really guys? THIS is what you’re going to argue about? You’ve got Stannis heading your way and you’re bitching over a cloak?) Eventually they’re able to get in a bit of planning. Bronn wants to rely on good men while Tyrion wants to rely on books. The Spider, Varys, tries to nose in by feigning to help. Varys, “What ARE we going to throw at them?” Tyrion replies with an impish grin, “Pig shit.”

At the Fist of the First Men, the remaining men of the Night’s Watch find a carved stone covering a hole. It doesn’t hold any First Men secrets, instead it holds a satchel from a member of the Night’s Watch. The satchel is full of rare odd weapons, like arrows that kill dragons.

Arya finally finds Jaqen, or should I say he finds her. She demands he go after Tywin Lannister. He refuses. There’s no way he can get to him fast enough. He suggests she gives the Red Gods another name. She relents. Arya names Jaqen H’ghar. (What are you doing little Arya? He’s a master assassin! He can be extremely useful to you!) He gets a rather pained look on his face. He can’t believe she’s named him. He asks very nicely that she recall the name. He even says please. (Yes, please Arya, recall the name!) She’ll un-name him if he helps them escape. He reluctantly agrees.

In King’s Landing – Cersei scolds Tyrion for encouraging Joffrey to go into battle. First he sends away her daughter now he wants to hand her son to Stannis on a plate of armor! She’s not one to be manipulated though. She pulls the ace from her sleeve. She’s found Tyrion’s whore. She warns that every wound Joffrey suffers the whore will suffer too. And if he dies, well let’s just say she’s going to die far more slowly and painfully. Tyrion wants to see his “love” to know she’s still alive. Cersei figured as much so she has her brought in. Thank you to all the old gods – It’s not Shae.  Very, VERY wise little man. He had given his sigil to another whore to lead his enemies astray. He has Cersei eating out of his little hand. She truly believes she has the right whore.

Robb meets with a bannerman to discuss the retaking of Winterfell. He decrees that any Iron born can return safely to their homes, except Theon. He will be hunted down like the dog he his. Talisa interrupts. (I love how she makes him smile in the middle of a bloody war.) She tells him the tale of how she went from playing the harp to sawing men’s feet off. Her brother nearly drowned while they played in the river.  Or so she thought. A slave pushed her out of the way and gave him what we call CPR. She swore that day she would never plan dances, play the harp, or live in a slave city ever again. Robb bursts out “I don’t want to marry the Frey girl.” And then they get nekkid. (Yup, simple as that and right there on the floor of his meeting room.)

Arya, Gendry, and the kitchen boy walk through the gate just as Jaqen told her to do even though the guards are still there. As they get closer, they see that these guards will only be sentries in the afterlife. All of them are pinned to the wall and dead as nails.

Ser Davos and Stannis speak of reasons behind Davos’ sigil, the onion. Davos rose in the ranks during the last war but he comes from simple heritage. His father was a crabber. This humble beginning is the reason Stannis chooses Devos to be Hand when he takes the Iron Throne. Ser Devos is honored beyond words.

At King’s Landing – Joffrey flits about like the child he is. To him the war is all some silly game. Tyrion and Varys cackle of the absurdity of Joffrey. In contrast, Tyrion is a fantastic Hand and plays that game very well; a game he’d like to keep playing. Varys then informs him that his little birds sing of Daenerys.  She is still alive and has three dragons. This is the least of their worries at the moment.

In Qarth – Dany and Jorah are in hiding. Jorah wants to run. She will not leave without her dragons. She reminds him of her magic – the night she survived the fire. He will never forget.

In Winterfell – Maester Luwin overhears Theon talking to his first mate about wanting to pay the farmer for his “trouble.” Ah so the burned boys aren’t Bran and Rickon after all. (I knew it!) Maester Luwin also spots Osha creeping around. They’ve been hiding IN Winterfell. Smart girl this Osha.

This is yet another mild episode. The main points we learned – Bran and Rickon are not dead, Robb and Talisa finally admit their feelings, and Tyrion is still the baddest mother in all of Westeros. There are only two episodes left in the season so I know all of the juicy parts will happen then. What’s going to happen to Jamie? My bet – he sleeps with Brienne (after she kicks his ass in a sword fight). Will Stannis take King’s Landing? Only if Tyrion continues to sit on that fire. Will Jon convince Manse to join his brother instead of taking the North? Probably not but he’ll definitely get his cherry done by Ygritte.

What do you think?

Did you miss an episode? Check out our recap of last week’s episode: ‘A Man Without Honor‘.