Season 5, the final season, has begun. There is much sadness and craziness ahead so hold onto your protons! Eureka has a serious toaster problem.

When we left Eureka last season, Allison was inadvertently trapped on the quickly launching Astreus and scrambling to find a safe seat. Was she able to make it in time?!

Here there be SPOILERS….

YES! She makes it! Thank you Pythagoras!

And since she is the only member on the ship not in a sleep chamber she hears the impact warnings! Impact?! Allison scrambles to get the crew up and out of their sleep chambers. “2 minutes to impact” While Fargo rolls over for a few more winks, the rest of the crew springs to action! It takes a few nail biting moments but Holly, Zane, Grace, and Allison get the Astreus under control just enough to bring her down in a less than graceful landing.

Welcome to the party Fargo. Nice of you to join us.

The navigation system is offline so the only thing to do is take a walk. Zane and Grace suit up to take their first steps on Titan. Before they can even take a step Fargo speeds by and plants the American flag, “Douglas Fargo. First human on Titan baby!” Something’s wrong, however. Atmospheric readings don’t make sense. Oxygen levels are too high.

Our crew isn’t alone. All of a sudden there are lights in the air, lights all around, wait… that’s a car and that’s a Hummer. Aliens drive Hummers?

ANDY!! Wait. Andy? “Quarantine everything.” Oh dear. What has our crew fallen into?

Everyone is fussing in their own sweet special way but from behind the glass of a quarantine ward.  Jack finally shows up! He drops the bomb to Allison that the crew of the Astreus has been gone for 4 years. (Didn’t they do this whole time travel thing last season? They need to do it again?) And from the look of security, the machines are in charge. Kids are fine (Kevin is at Harvard, Jenna has grown to be as beautiful as her mom). Jack and Henry searched far longer than the 1 year the D.O.D. gave but in the end they had to stop too.

Andy in the suit arrives to let them all know they will be released to their families once the medical inspections are complete. Grace wants to see Henry but Andy tells her he no longer has security clearance ad Global Dynamics. Henry? Not have clearance? That’s insane! The D.O.D held him responsible for the loss of the Astreus. Poor Henry!

JO! Lupo shows up to say hi to Zane but she’s got that look on her face. You know the one – when she’s got a secret. I don’t think Zanes going to like what she has to say when they go to lunch.

Once released, Holly and Fargo don’t have a place to go. Their lives are GD – no friends, no family. Fargo wants his job as head of GD but Andy in the suit drops the bad news. Fargo’s contract expired years ago. He’s been replaced with a much better model. S.A.R.A.H.! Yup! An AI is running Global Dynamics now. Only seems appropriate if you think about it. Far more efficient.

At the Sherrif’s office, Allison is floored by all of the toys. She can’t wait to see Jenna! The moment gets really awkward really fast when instead of hugging her mom, Jenna extends her sweet little hand with a very polite “nice to meet you.” (My heart is BREAKING! Oh poor Allison!) Jenna doesn’t recognize her own mother!

Grace goes home to Henry’s Garage for a MUCH better, far more hugging, reunion. Henry is beside himself with joy. The joy is edged with a bit of paranoia as he whispers “They’re listening” and leads Grace to a hidden door in the floor.

VINCENT! Oh how I’ve missed my favorite Café Diem clerk! Zane and Jo are chatting over coffee. Militant Andies (yup multiple Andies) are marching the streets. Jo is about to come clean to Zane when a rude Martha drone butts in. Jo gets a wee bit defensive sending the drone into a far more dangerous defensive mode. Zane pulls a Lancelot and steps between Jo and the drone and gets two electrodes in his chest.

Andy in the suit arrives on the scene and calls off the Martha drones. He is all too clear to Allison that the AI in the drones is far superior and accurate than eye witnesses and according to them Jo was the one that provoked the situation. He won’t be pressing charges this time but in a crazy subtle as a snake he advises Jack to take Allison home.

Back at GD – SURPRISE Fargo! Your new team leader is your pal Dr. Parrish! Fargo’s not going to work under Isaac, ever. Dr. Parrish is just as stubborn. But Andy in the suit adjusts Parrish’s attitude with that creepy crazy look. (I do NOT like this kind of Andy. I want my sweet goofy Andy back!)

Jack and Allison head back to the bunker. Uh.. was that a bra Jack just stashed under a pillow? Oh no Jack what have you done? And since when is the front door manual? Jack, “Ah since my smarthouse got dumb.” Something’s so wrong! Jack is all kinds of uncomfortable when Allison kisses him. Allison agrees to read Jenna a bedtime story – Alice in Wonderland, how appropriate – and just as Allison goes to leave, Jenna gives her a picture she drew of 2 ladies with dark hair, a sherrif, a boy and a girl. “Now we’re all here.” You can almost see Allison’s heart drop as it sinks in. We don’t have to wait long to find out who the other woman is… I know you’ve already probably guessed it. Allison walks downstairs to find Jack kissing…. Jo. (For 4 seasons I’ve wondered what it would be like if Jo and Jack hooked up. I don’t like. No sir, I don’t like it one little bit. It’s like watching the Lanisters kiss. It’s just all wrong.)

Zane is in the GD labs about to get a brain scan. The creepy lab tech (surprisingly not an Andy) reassures him, “trust me you’ll feel even better once we’re done.” THAT is never good. RUN ZANE! And so he does. Like Houdini he’s gone.

It is not a happy breakfast in the Carter bunker. Jack can’t hide it. He just comes out and says he loves Jo. My heart died. Andy (these guys need numbers) just waltzes on in the door. Obviously there’s no knocking protocol in his programing. He’s on the hunt for Zane. Once again he gives that menacing stare.

Holly and Fargo arrive to work at the lab to find a very chipper Dr. Parrish with warm home made muffins. Have we entered a ‘Stepford Wives’ episode? Parrish even apologizes for his earlier rudeness. Parrish doesn’t apologize! Especially not to Fargo! Creepier and creepier.  He shows them the project. He was given the green light to continue his research and as he so eloquently puts it, “I’ve been able to work all of the bugs out of my A.S.S… Adrenaline Suppressive System.” It turns aggression into submission on a far larger scale.

Zane sneaks in to the lab to warn Fargo but he and Holly are already onto all the creepiness. Zane tries to run but he’s totally busted by the Andies. Just as Andy in the suit takes him away Jo comes to his rescue with a taser.

Allison and Grace are filled in on the strange occurrences by Henry and Jack. When the Astreus vanished, the D.O.D. put Andy in charge. Folks in town tried to leave but were zapped with Dr. Parrish’s calm gun. Before more can be discussed Andy in the suit shows up with a Toaster/Skitter love child bot and snatch Grace and Henry.

Jo and Zane dig Jack and Allison out of the garage debris. One very sweet concerned look between Jack and Jo clues in Zane to the love catastrophe. He’s as hurt as Allison now. Oh joy. Holly and Fargo meet up with the gang as well. Holly, “We may know what they’re using. Isaac’s A.S.S.” Jack “That’s seems unlikely.” (ok really it’s a LOT funnier when Colin Ferguson says it.) They devise a plan that only our beloved geniuses, well… and Jack, can pull off. Hack the system, bring down S.A.R.A.H.’s firewall, reverse the frequency of the A.S.S., and zap the Andies. Easy.

Jo and Zane bicker… I mean get ready in the Astreus.

Fargo and Holly crawl into S.A.R.A.H.’s innards.

Allison and Jack head to the lab to talk sense into Andy in the suit.

Grace and Henry sit comfortably strapped to the brain wipe chairs.

Then in an all out last ditch scramble of craziness and chaos: Zane is ready to hack the planet but the mother of all giant Marthas shows up outside the Astreus. (She sure does look a lot like a Cylon. Thank you for all the BSG goodness.) Zane pops the top and makes a run – well more of a flight – for it. Giant Martha races after. Jack and Allison are still trying to reach the softer side of Andy in the suit. Holly and Fargo are getting chased, at a crawl, by an Andy through the conduit of S.A.R.A.H. Will our heroes make it in time?!? Andy in the suit is going to push the button! Henry and Grace are going to get wiped!

Just as Andy in the suit hits the button, Fargo brings down the firewall, Zane hacks the system, the frequency is revered in the A.S.S. and all of the Andies are zapped to off! YAY Team! And a rainbow appears over Eureka. Aaaaahhh!

Fargo resumes his job as head of GD. Jo is reinstated as head of security. All Astreus team members are given their positions back. All is good in our town… almost. Zane let’s Jo know that “being friends” is going to take him a while. Allison let’s Jack know the same thing.

I’m not sure how all of these love knots are going to get untangled but I’m looking forward to the season!
But wait there’s more…

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! Beverly?! (boy I love to hate that woman) We hear “She’s really crying?” And Beverly replies, “Of course she’s crying. To her it’s all real.” You can almost hear the evil “mwah ha ha ha haaaa” The camera pans back to show the entire crew of the Atreus unconscious and strapped into futuristic blue beds.

I can’t believe it! The writers pulled a Dallas on us! It was all a frakkin dream!!