Quantum fetish theory holds that the mere act of conceiving a new fetish causes at least one website dedicated to it to spring into being, like Athena from Zeus’s forehead. And now we can say with some certainty that Etsy stores are not exempt from this universal law, as the talented craftsmen at XenoCatArtifacts have taken it upon themselves to fill a void in the human experience by offering curious moviegoers the opportunity to buy a dildo inspired by Guillermo Del Toro’s multiple Academy Award-winning film, ‘The Shape of Water’. Officially dubbed the “Jewel of the Amazon,” the toy has proved to have a somewhat less niche appeal than initially suspected, selling out quickly, though the shop does intend to restock. You can check out the Etsy listing here.
To the casual observer, it would certainly seem to be a reasonable approximation of an amphibian appendage, though the suit worn by Doug Jones in the film is as anatomically comprehensive as a Ken doll. But the XenoCat crew probably never imagined that their handiwork would face the scrutiny of Guillermo del Toro himself. When asked about the dildo, the director told The Wrap that he was concerned about its accuracy:
“I’m sure ‘Dunkirk’ doesn’t have that problem. I don’t think it’s an accurate representation. It’s some form of fan art… I guess.”
Now, I suppose if anyone would know whether or not the ‘Shape of Water’ dildo is an “accurate representation,” it would be Del Toro. Of course, that raises the question of just how much thought the Oscar-winning director has given to the Amphibian’s anatomy. While the answer may not be as prurient as you’re hoping for, we can safely say “more than was strictly necessary”:
“It’s not explicit in the movie, but in large swarms of fish, they switch gender if they need to. I just wanted to have that in the design in my mind. It was important for me. But I didn’t do sketches either in my notebook or on my bathroom walls.”
Well there, now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything today.
The Amphibian Man himself, Doug Jones has also offered up his hot take on this fishy phallus:
“With a light chuckle, I can tell you it’s not exactly what I’d hoped for. I’ve actually had several real action figures made of my creature roles in the past – all done in good taste. After pouring my heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears into this romantic, beautiful, magical role, the last thing I want to be remembered for is a silicone appendage that comes in two sizes.”
It’s an understandable sentiment, though given that the film has since taken home a quartet of Academy Awards (including Best Directing and Best Picture) it seems safe to say that its legacy is not only secure but will surely extend well beyond a marbled muscle of love.