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Double, Double, toil and trouble – fire burn, and cauldron bubble. Last night ‘American Horror Story: Coven’ premiered and it was a mixed bag of tricks.

Here is your first weekly recap of the episode AHS “Bitchcraft”:

We open in 19th century New Orleans with Kathy Bates as the wicked Delphine LaLaurie whom enjoys ancient Greek mythology and torturing her African American slaves. She has a deep appreciation for the cosmetic miracle that is blood. In a nutshell, this woman is insane. Bates is totally believable and a treat to watch on the small screen. She pulls off the genteelness of a wealthy southern belle and a sadist that likes to sew people’s mouths and eyes shut. Someone you definitely don’t want on your bad side unless you’re into having severed bull heads put on you.AHS

Cut to the present day, where we have a very unfortunate first time love encounter. Poor Zoe Benson (played by Taissa Farmiga) is just trying to have a little romance with her boyfriend and instead she ends up accidental murdering him. Talk about killer sex. What happens next is very fast and a little silly, its almost like her harebrained mother was hiding in the closet waiting for her daughter to be de-flowered and become a subsequent killer to jump out and say ‘YOU’RE A WITCH!’. Not quite like ‘Harry Potter’ being told he’s a wizard but still, she was whisked away pretty quickly. To where you ask? New Orleans of course! Side note, Frances Conroy is a complete scene stealer here, just LOVE her.

Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies is home to a Hollywood starlet (Emma Roberts), a human voodoo doll (Gabourey Sidibe) and a clairvoyant  (Jamie Brewer). All of these ‘exceptional’ ladies are taught by headmistress Cordelia Foxx (played by the ever flawless Sarah Paulson) but its made very clear that she’s not the Supreme. Her mamma Fiona Goode (played by the delicious Jessica Lang) is and she’s got something in common with Delphine LaLaurie.

Now we are faced with the timeless problem of mortality. Fiona is having a very hard time with hers not to mention the wrinkles that now adorn her face. She’s willing to try basically anything that modern medicine can throw at her to get her youth back. She eventually reviles her secret weapon, which is literally soul sucking. Or maybe its life sucking? Whatever, basically she sucks. She finds her way back to her beloved school for a not so touching reunion with her daughter.

Circle back to the past with Mrs. LaLaurie – she is offered a potion that will make her young and beautiful again by the sultry voodoo goddess, Marie Laveau (played by Angela Bassett). Now this is a powerful woman. She tricks LaLaurie into taking her upstairs where she keeps her tortured slaves and see’s her beloved dead with a giant bulls head on. Its at this moment she pulls the ol’ “Oh remember that potion I gave you five minutes ago? Yah, that sh*t is gonna kill you” and shockingly enough LaLaurie doesn’t see it coming.

Circle back to the present – Cordelia’s talent is potions and she has a big bad one a brewin’ with her mom’s name on it. Peeved but accepting, Cordelia introduces Fiona to the rag tag group of witches in training. All magically inclined ladies are under siege at the moment, as a fellow witch (Lily Rabe) was burnt at the steak just a few states over. Seriously? BURNT? When they show the flashback footage of said burning, it looks and feels like its from the 70’s and is very unbelievable. True the tone of this season of AHS feels a bit more campy in humor but I found myself scoffing at this scene in particular. Anyway, I digress.

"American Horror Story: Coven"Fiona is hell bent on making sure her class of witches can take care of themselves as she so tenderly puts it “if witches don’t fight, we burn”. Subtle. From here Miss Hollywood aka Madison Montgomery decides she’s bored and fed up with witch school for the night and convinces Zoe to attend a frat party with her that evening. Once there, Zoe meets handsome and arguably the only nice frat boy ever to be in existence, Kyle Spencer (played by heartthrob Evan Peters).

True to her entitled famous self, Madison orders frat boy #1 to fetch her a drink. He then ruffies her drink (shocker) and carries a passed out Madison upstairs so they can see what it’s like to hook up with a movie star. How charming.  The next part is pretty brutal so I won’t go into too much detail but lets just say it wasn’t consensual, with ANY of them. Zoe then notices her friend is missing and enlists Kyle to help her. Low and behold Kyle comes upon the disgusting situation and marches off in a hurry with the offending frat boys. True to douchbag form, the frat boys vow to ‘stick together’ and as long as they delete the videos of what they did from their phones, they’ll escape this impending doom like it never happened. Zoe realizes what transpired between Madison and the boys and starts to run after them, but Madison come’s to and mentally flips the bus they were all riding into the sunset on, killing most inside.

american-horror-story-coven-bitchcraft-farmiga-peters-600x421Kyle and one other frat brother are taken to the hospital and placed in critical condition. Zoe finds the offending frat boy, goes into his hospital room, fondles him a little, and exacts revenge on him the only way she knows how. With her vagina. Needless to say Madison has made a new BFF in Zoe and won’t have to worry about stupid boys bothering her ever again.

Back at Witch central, the clairvoyant Nan seems to be having an unspoken conversation with the lady of the house, aka LaLaurie whom is supposed to be very, very dead. Surprise! She’s not and Fiona digs up her chained down coffin to have a little  chat with madame (who not only wasn’t rotting in that coffin, but looks exactly the same). There we end our tale for this week.

What did you guys think of the season opener? Let us know in the comments section below! See you for the haunting hour next Wednesday!