SharknadoThe movie is named ‘Sharknado’ and what’s the first thing you see?  A Sharknado– a tornado swarming with twisting, still living sharks!  Sharks of all sorts, from Tigers to Hammerheads, writhing and snapping their jagged teeth and wondering “Why the hell am I up in a tornado?  And how am I still breathing out of the water?”

The scene then cuts to  a fishing vessel littered with the corpses of dozens of sharks, captured only to have their fins sliced off to make shark fin soup.  (Politics!)  The fishing boat and all on board are made short work of, as (apparently) air-breathing sharks go to work on the entire crew.

This is as deep and logical as this movie gets.  We’re quickly introduced to our real cast, 90210 alum Ian Ziering as Finn a pro surfer/bar owner, former ‘Baywatch’ bohunk Jaason Simmons as Finn’s Tasmanian BFF Baz, John Heard a.k.a. Kevin’s dad in Home Alone as George, a drunken bar fly and a poor man’s Julianne Hough, Cassie Scerbo as Nova, a waitress with “daddy issues.”  All are present in Finn’s bar when the weather turns and the coast is flooded… with sharks!

The cast takes the world’s most resilient jeep and makes their way to Beverly Hills to find Finn’s ex-wife played by Tara Reid, who does absolutely nothing in this movie and the couple’s teenage daughter who looks older than them both.  That’s okay, later on we find out they have a son who also looks pretty long in the tooth.  Or maybe Tara Reid and Ian Ziering have just aged well.  Good for them!

There doesn’t appear to be much care given to logic, science or continuity with this “film.”  The weather, in a single scene, varies from Old Testament deluge to bone dry and sunny, depending on the camera angle.  At one point, they escape a flooded house which then implodes, yet the outside is completely clear of water.  Humanity is being wiped out and pedestrians are being eaten by sharks, yet several businesses are open and running as usual.  At one point, the cast visits a convenience store where exactly one aisle is pillaged… the candy aisle, while every other aisle is fully stocked and neatly arranged, including all the beverages, including those of the adult variety.  I don’t know about you, but if the sharkpocalypse hits, I’m grabbing a case of hooch to get me through.

At one point, Finn risks his life to save a busload of children.  Thank heavens he just happened to have all that mountain climbing equipment in his truck!  He’s not credited, but I’m pretty certain the teacher on board was Robbie Rist, a.k.a. Cousin Oliver from the ‘Brady Bunch.’  Ka-Ching!

Ultimately, Finn’s son pilots a helicopter to stop the Sharknado onslaught.  The helicopter has no problem approaching these howling wind funnels, yet after the threats are dispatched, all of a sudden, he’s unable to pilot the craft in normal winds.

Also, apparently, despite all those teeth, sharks seem to swallow their prey whole, so it’s possible once swallowed, to still escape if a shark’s belly is sliced open.  It’s also not at all creepy to be in love with a man, then transfer that affection to his son in, y’know, like 30 minutes.

The deadly sharks aren’t limited by… y’know normal biology and are able to breath in salt and fresh water… and hell, screw water, air!  Nom nom nom!  Yeah, don’t look for logical science here.

There is quite a bit of my movie watching pet peeve– a disaster strikes and the extras are just running all over the place.  Some are running away from the danger.  Others are running toward it.  Why are people running toward danger?!  That makes no sense.  You know what else doesn’t make sense?  The fact that it’s the end of the world (or maybe just LA), and yet traffic is better than it is in 95 degree, sunny weather.  Oh, I’ll buy flying sharks, but a clear 405?  Bull$#!*.  Bull$#!* Bull$#!* Bull$#!*.

Surprisingly, the acting isn’t completely horrible.  Tara Reid is in a daze the whole time, but the rest at least seem to be trying.  The casting is wonky.  The teenage kids are way too old looking.  But I’ve seen worse!

Should you ever be attacked by CGI sharks, here is a list of stuff you can use to kill them: pool cues, bar stools, book shelves, a shotgun that keeps shooting even after it gets submerged in water and fire extinguishers with smoke detectors taped on.  So next time you’re at Sam’s Club, pick a few of these up.

Where did this flick fall in terms of SyFy originals?  Honestly, it could have been campier.  No really!  Check out ‘Mega Python Versus Gateroid’ starring Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.  Those involved knew they were making crap and just embraced it.  ‘Sharknado’ felt like the creators were trying to make something good.  STOP!  The movie is about sharks assisted by natural disasters to massacre humanity!  Just go nuts!  Be stupid and own it!

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(It could have been a lot higher if it had just been campier!)