‘Chapter Two: The Dark Baptism’

Director:  Lee Toland Krieger
Writer: Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa

Liar, Liar….

In the second installment of ‘CAOS’, our headband toting heroine still has many a burning question for Father Blackwood, while he spoon feeds her all the details of what is to come once she gives the Dark Lord her soul. Father Blackwood assures her that witches are exempt from hell, have free will and their Dark Lord is above both good and evil. When ‘Brina asks how her father was allowed to marry her mortal mother, Father Blackwood tells her that her father was bestowed a blessing from the Lord of the Dark so they could be together. Well, ring-a-ding-ding.

Thank Satan Sabrina isn’t anything like Draco Malfoy or else we’d have a whole lotta “Wait until my father hears about this!” type dialogue and NO ONE is here for that.

After her dark visit, Sabrina has a private (or so she thinks) heart to heart with Aunt Hilda, who reveals that in her regret of becoming a witch, she sometimes fantasizes about watching the whole forest burn. Aunt Zelda hears the conversation and later smashes Hilda’s skull in with a hammer as she’s gardening. Hilda later returns from the dead, looking like…well…the dead and it’s noted that Zelda (being the Eldest sister) can kill her as many times as she wishes. Its been taking longer and longer for Hilda to rise, and she is warned that if she doesn’t keep in line with Zelda’s wishes, maybe she’ll just stop rising altogether.   

Meanwhile, at breakfast the next day our main squeeze Harvey drops by Morgue Spellman in the hopes of getting permission from the Aunties to take Sabrina (as well as them!) out the day AFTER her birthday since she’s already spoken for that night. Family Obligations, sheesh. He gets a simple “Let’s play it by ear” but that’s code for NO and Sabrina knows it.

Later that day, Ambrose is paid a visit from the parents of the deceased stab victim to look at his handiwork…so to speak. When Ambrose asks what the boy was like in life, the mother mentions their adopted son spent all his time talking to his pet Iguana. Hellllooooooo dead warlocks familiar.

Battle of the Sexes

Back at nobody’s favorite high school, Susie witnesses the football players that have been harassing her, ripping down one of their WICCA posters. She decides to charge at them, but instead of inflicting any harm, she’s socked in the face and thrown to the ground. The cowardly boys run away before they can be caught, leaving Susie-Q on the ground bleeding.

Sabrina decides to fight fire with hellfire once she finally gets the boys names from Susie and calls upon the Weird Sisters. The ladies agree to help ‘Brina on her revenge quest in exchange for her never attending the Academy of Unseen Arts. Sabrina agrees but unbeknownst to the Sisters, she had her fingers crossed behind her back the whole time. That works IRL too I guess right??

Later that night our fab four approach their football targets and lure them to a ‘party’ in the coal mines. Cause it’s not a party without boys and beers and oh look at that, here are both right before them. The boys are guided NOT by their brains to this party, but shall we say by their “nether regions” and once some clothing is shed its hook-up time. What the boys don’t realize is that they’ve been made to think they were hooking up with the girls, when in reality, they were hooking up with each other and now Sabrina has the polaroids to prove it.  

Naturally, they demand the incriminating evidence back. Queen Bee Prudence decides to take it one step further and scare the hell out of them by revealing the Sisters Weird crazy looking skeletor faces, thus driving them out of the mine. Oh, and she also decides to take their ‘boyhood’, which manifests itself into the form of birds in a cage, which will prevent those nether regions from ‘rising’ to any occasion in the near future. Nifty little party trick ladies.

Fab Four = 1

Football morons = 0

Sixteen Candles.

Sabrina is under house arrest until her Dark Baptism later that evening. Ambrose essentially tells her that she’ll get over her human connections because, well basically she has to. In a moment of rebellion, Sabrina throws on her mom’s white wedding dress, puts on her dancing shoes and marches out of the house and into her BFFs Halloween bash, which they quickly convert into a ‘Happy-Halloween-But-Also-Sweet-Sixteen’ party for ‘Brina.

It’s Show Time.

As the blood moon rises and the clock is about to strike midnight, Sabrina pulls a Cinderella and runs into the forest. Her white dress turns black and she enters the clearing where the Dark Baptism is to take place.

She slowly starts to go through her rite of passage and is hesitantly agreeing to it all. But when it comes time to sign her name away into the Book of the Beast, Sabrina has a moment of clarity, realizes she will lose all of her free will, and that Father Blackwood (taking a page from the current White House occupants playbook) is a lying liar who lies. She flees the scene but its not without struggle, vines reach for her as she runs away, pulling her to the ground entrapping her but she successfully escapes to her house. The forest crew, including the Sisters Weird, follow ‘Brina to her house where Ambrose fibs and says there’s a protection spell for all that are unwanted, so they turn their backs and leave. Father Blackwood and Demon-Ms-Wardwell individually apologize to the Dark Lord and vow to get Sabrina to sign his book, one way or another.

Back at Case de Spellman, a furious Aunt Zelda goes off on her young ward saying she’s disgraced her family and brought shame to her father as this was the path he always wanted her to follow. Sabrina pulls the “we call bullsh*t” card and reveals that she saw a vision of her parents in the woods during her Dark Baptism telling her to Run ‘Brina Run…

Back at school, Sabrina seems to be feeling pretty good about her decision to take a different path. With her very first WICCA meeting about to start, ‘Brina is summoned to the Principal’s office, where she’s greeted by His Dark Lord in Hawthorne’s possessed body. Dark Lord Hawthorne, with blood pouring out of his eyes and foam coming out of his mouth, announces that he’s ‘gonna get you my pretty, and your little black cat too’.  


Let us know what you think about these first two chilling chapters and stay tuned for the upcoming installments of Chapters Three and Four!