Gather round ghouls, its time for your weekly recap of ‘American Horror Story: Coven’ !
In the second episode of season three, aptly titled ‘Boy Parts’ we open on two red necks killing poor innocent alligators (or is it crocodiles, I can never make the correct distinction). The toe curling deliciousness of Stevie Nicks begins to play and you just know something magical is about to happen. Enter Lily Rabe, aka smoky and newly undead (but seriously who didn’t see that one coming), as Misty Day. She briefly morns the death of the crocs but not for long as her gift is resurgence and poof, they all come back to life. Bad news for the poachers though as they quickly bite the dust in an epic round of decapitation and drowning. Nature goddess Misty = 1. Gross immoral poachers = 0.
Away from the bayou, we come upon Cordelia (Paulson) waking her witches in training for morning gathering, and no on is happy about it. When she goes to wake Mother Superior, she notices a disgusting smell coming from her room. Crafty Fiona (Lange) blames it on Chinese herbs when in reality she’s speaking with 200 year old Madame LaLaurie (Bates). What is her secret of immortality you ask? Well it sure as hell ain’t Cover Girl. LaLaurie gives us a brief history of her past with badass and ridiculously good looking Marie Laveau (Bassett). You try really hard to feel bad for LaLaurie when you learn that her whole family was hanged but it just doesn’t happen.
Flash forward to circa 2012 where we come upon Queenie (Sidibe) working at a chicken joint and dealing with a very fussy customer. She goes on to explain how she’s pretty much the boss of everything and awesome at math but that doesn’t shut one man up from his rant on how he was cheated a piece of chicken. Oh hell no. Sh*t gets real when Queenie decides to take matters into her own hands and LITERALLY puts hers in a vat of boiling oil. Knowing that she’s the human voodoo doll, said ranting customer begins to receive a horrific grease burn on his hand and writhes in pain. That’ll teach him to try and get a freebie piece of chicken. Let it be a lesson to us all, be nice to the good folks that work at KFC. Do it, people.
Queenie discusses at morning gathering that was never legally charged with anything since there weren’t any witnesses that could attest to seeing her pour the oil on the extra crispy customer, so she got away with it. After the meeting is over, two detectives come to question Madison (Roberts) and Zoe (Farmiga) seeing that they are persons of interest in the mysterious frat-boy-bus-tipping incident. Zoe, weak and scared, spills the beans about Madison being raped and that they TIPPED THE BUS WITH THEIR MINDS because surprise! They’re witches. Remind me never to commit a crime with this chick. Fiona must have radar for this kind of thing because she bursts into the room, offers the detectives a drink (spits in it, weird) and basically mind erases them in zero to five seconds. True, one detective tried to fight her power but his nose started to bleed and I’m guessing his brain started to scramble, so he eventually gave in to the alluring spit-water.
Fiona is pissed at the girls and flings them up against the wall. After they get their stern talking to, Madison thanks Zoe for having killer sex with the sole surviving rapist and wants to repay her. How? By putting together a bunch of boy parts from the wreck and attaching them to Kyle’s head to make ‘the perfect boyfriend’. Ah, if it were only that easy for us all. They do some Latin spell and effectively turn the morgue into a rave with mysterious strove lights in the background. At first it seems like it didn’t work, but Zoe hangs back to give her would be lover a kiss goodbye. Enter throwaway cop, and arise new BF! Frankenstein Kyle kills the cop but not Zoe because true love conquers all. Awwwwwwwwww.
Side plot line: Cordelia and her husband discover that they can’t get preggers the old fashioned way, so they turn to magic for help. Delia is apprehensive to do this at first, but her husband talks her into it, he really wants to be her baby-daddy. I think its awesome that the show runners didn’t try to make the husband ignorant of her witchy ways. It’s refreshing that he’s in on the secret and supports her so fully. Good going, guys. What happens next is kind of scary and sexy. They perform a spell and two realms seem to open up, that of the magical variety (with snakes and what appear to be dragon eggs and fire) and reality (plain ol’ missionary position). They finish having sex and now we can all presume that she’s with child.
Misty is drawn to the scene and takes them both back to her swamp layer to patch Kyle up. She’s excited that she’s met another witch and realizes she’s not alone. She then goes on about the genius that is Fleetwood Mac (‘Rhiannon’ is playing, swoon) and tries to give Zoe a musical education but she’s too young for that.
Back in town, Fiona tracks down zoodoo goddess (posing as a hairdresser, looking super fierce) Laveau and pretty much thinks saying some vary raciest things to her is the path to getting the immortality potion. Doesn’t really seem like the right way to go about it but whatever. Sharp words are spoken between the two and Fiona sets some wigs on fire to demonstrate that she means business and won’t take no for an answer. She leaves for the witch school and runs into her old pal LaLaurie (set free by an annoyed Nan) sitting in front of her old house reminiscing about her previous life. They leave together and all seems well for a moment.
We end on Laveau fired up about her meeting with Fiona and talking to her Minotaur boyfriend. Whoops, guess he’s alive too and his pecks are as chiseled as ever.
Let us know what you thought of this weeks episode in the comments section below. Later gaters!