War has come and gone.

And Here there be SPOILERS

Tyrion wakes to Grand Maester Pycelle. He is not in his comfortable bed. He is not in his fancy cloths. He is no longer the Hand of the king. Poor little imp. His head is roughly bandaged and he looks a right proper mess. Pycelle tosses him a coin with a flippant “for his troubles.” (You probably shouldn’t have been so rough on the old man way back when Tyrion. It’s coming back to bite your little assets.)

Tywin’s horse takes a dump as he enters the throne room. (See! Animals know what’s what!) Joffrey is feeling quite generous so he proclaims Tywin Hand and champion of the realm. Harrenhal is given to Little Finger. And he will give anything to House Tyrel; they need just name it. Ser Loras asks that Joffrey marry his sister Margaery. (Remember her? She’s the one that wore that hideous dress that looked like a carpet burrito. She was also married to Renly Baratheon.) Joffrey declares that he is vowed to Sansa Stark and cannot break that vow that was made before the Gods. Cersei, on behalf of the small council, advises Joffrey to set Sansa aside. Pycelle states that the contract with the Starks was formed before the act of treason so this frees him from any obligations. Well in that case (if it doesn’t make me look even MORE of a douche) then I will absolutely take Margaery as my lovely wife. Poor Sansa. But Yay Sansa! She’s free and clear to go home! Joffrey’s not going to give away his toys that easily. Little Finger swears to Sansa that he will get her home. (Don’t do it Sansa! Don’t trust Baelish!) She’s says her place is in King’s Landing. (What the WHAT?! Ok you shouldn’t trust a thing Peter Baelish says to you but seriously why in the hell do you think your place is in a pit full of lying vipers?!?! You should have left with the Hound!)

Our lovely whore Rose covers a bruise with a bit of makeup then gets a visit from a very unlikely client – Varys. He asks if working for Baelish has been all she hoped. Varys warns that Baelish is a very dangerous man. It may be safer for her to come work for him instead.

Jaime Lannister continues his verbal assault on Brienne. She’s like a stone. For some unknown reason Brienne gets them out of the boat and walking on land. They come across three women hanging dead from a tree. Just as Brienne gets Jamie tied to a tree and she’s about to cut the poor women down the soldiers come prancing over the hill. (It really is like some creepy dark Disney flick.) They simply laugh at her and her abnormal size. They also want to know what she’s doing with a prisoner.  As Brienne is trying to get Jamie back to the boat to avoid this confrontation the men ask what she thinks of the women hanging. All she hopes it that they had quick deaths. “Two of them did,” the men sneer. One of the men thinks he recognizes Jamie. Both Brienne and Jamie deny the fact. (Why is Jamie going along with this?) In fact the man is pretty sure it’s the King Slayer. So to test them he wants Brienne and Jamie to tell them Jamie’s name at the same time. 1… 2… 3… two of the men drop under Brienne’s sword (2 quick deaths); the last gets a sword rammed into his family jewels. Jamie looks impressed. They were Stark’s men. Brienne makes it clear she doesn’t serve the Starks. She serves Lady Catelyn. Before they leave Brienne cuts down the women.

Catelyn scolds Robb for crossing Walder Frey. She pleads that an arranged marriage is a good marriage. Building a love over time is stronger than a reckless lobe in the woods. Robb doesn’t think she has the right to call anyone reckless.

Stannis cusses out the fire sorceress Melisandre. She foretold he would win this battle and she still sees him winning. (I don’t think she understands the definition of winning. I think winning means he’d be sitting on the throne right now.) He tries to strangle her to force her god to save her. She allows it. (What a seriously twisted relationship!) She foretells that thousands more will die and the war will go on for years. He will betray everyone. And it will all be worth it. He will be king. She has him stare into the fire and see his fate.

Theon is surrounded. The horns of the enemy are driving him batty.  All he can do is sit and whine about being the poor little prisoner all those years in Winterfell. Maester Luwin’s advice – run and join the Night’s Watch. There are hidden ways out of Winterfell and there he has the opportunity to make amends for the horror he’s committed. But instead of running, Theon tries to rally his men. He sounds pretty convincing. “What is dead may never die!!” THWACK! His first mate hits him on the head knocking him out cold; then rams that pike into Maester Luwin. (Why do all of the good people die on this show?!?! Why can’t good prevail over evil?!)

Varys visits Tyrion to tell him of the treachery during the battle. Cersei hired Ser Mandon Moore to kill Tyrion during the battle. If it hadn’t been for his squire, Podrick, he’d be dead. He wants Bronn to guard his room but Bronn’s been relieved of his duty. What about the Hill Tribe men? Gone too. “The King won’t give you any honors, the histories won’t mention you but we will not forget.” Varys can be so very sweet when he wants to be. He’s also brought Tyrion a gift – Shae. He looks like Frankenstein’s monster and Shae is pretty honest with telling him such. Shae really is the best thing for him! LOL. She wants to go away but he likes being there. He likes out talking them and out thinking them.

(Oooooh crap.) Robb got hitched to Talisa in the night. (How very Braveheart of them!) That’s going to piss off the Freys. It also gives the Lannisters another target.

Daenerys, Ser Jorah and Rakharo go to the House of the Undying. There’s no door. (Of course there’s no door – they’re wizards!) Dany and Jorah circle the tower aaaand Dany disappears.

Arya and her little band of lost boys (Gendry and Hot Pie) walk along a gully. Mysteriously Jaqen finds them. (I am reeeeeally diggin Jaqen.) Jaqen offers to teach her how he does these things, the ways of the Faceless Men, but she must travel across the sea to Baavos. She’s surprised because this is the homeland of her former dance teacher. She wants to go but she has to find her brother, mother and even Sansa. Jaqen gives her a coin. If she should ever need him she’s to give this coin to any man from Baavos and say “valar morghulis.” She pleads with him to stay with them. He says Jaqen is now dead. As he turns to look at her again he’s no longer Jaqen. (Damn it! That dude was hot! Bring him back!)

Osha leads the little group of boys out into a burned Winterfell. Their Dire Wolves are there and point to something beyond the gates. They find Maester Luwin under the heart tree. He tells them to go to Jon at the Wall. It’s the safest place for them until they can find Robb and Catelyn.  He asks Osha to protect the boys and to end his suffering. So they head north as Winterfell continues to burn.

Dany is inside the Tower and can hear her dragons.  She follows their cries. She enters a room that looks just like the throne room at King’s Landing but it’s been destroyed. Snow is falling through a nonexistent roof. A massive door opens. It’s the gate in the Wall. She continues out into the cold to a Dothraki tent. She finds Khal Drogo and a baby!! Has she died? Is this a dream? (She’s in a Warlock tower – it’s definitely magic.) He is so convincing and she is almost tempted to stay with him and her son but she leaves them to find her dragons. She finds them chained to an alter. The Warlocks explain that their magic awoke when the dragons were born and it’s strongest when they are near. The dragons are strongest when Dany is near. All of a sudden there are chains on Dany’s wrists. They intend to keep her there forever. One word “Dracarus” is all it takes. Her little babies set fire to the warlock and she is free.

Jon Snow and the wildlings are marching to the King of the North. Ser Qhorin breaks loose and attacks Jon. The wildlings give them swords and allow them to duke it out. Jon wins. (This seems a bit too far to go for Jon to become a spy.) The stunt earns Jon some cred so the cut him loose. They’ve arrived at the camp for the King of the North.

Dany and her guard return to Qarth and find Xaro in bed with Doreah. She takes the key and opens the vault. It’s empty. (Shocker! Not.) “Thank you Xaro for teaching me this lesson.” And then she locks them in the empty vault. Jorah orders the Dothraki to take the gold and Jewels. They have a ship to buy.

Sam Tarly and the remainder of the Night’s Watch are digging for crap (literally) to burn for warmth. They hear a horn and think that Jon and Qhorin have returned. There’s a second blast. They scramble at the wildling blast. But thn there’s a third blast. 3 blasts means White Walkers!! The two men quickly leave Sam behind. He hides behind a rock as a massive horde of White Walkers and wights comes shuffling near. (ZOMBIES!! They’ve even got zombie horses.)  Holy lotta undead!!! The leader of the hoard stops his horse and looks down at Sam before he lets out a chilling battle cry. Poor Samwell is SO screwed!!

And so ends Season 2.

I’m not sure I like this episode for a season finale. It wraps up all of the loose ends and there’s a nice little cliffhanger at the very end but I think it would have been better to end with the battle of King’s Landing. I was delightfully amazed to see Khal Drogo again! Now when do we get to see Lord Stark’s ghost?! I can’t wait to see what Season 3 holds! In the words of the Starks “Winter is Coming” and a long winter it will be waiting for that third season!

If you missed our previous episode be sure to read our ‘Game of Thrones: Blackwater’ recap to catch up.