Troll

In what has to be the ballsiest move ever, a company called SC Films International is #1 making a sequel to ‘Troll’ a dreadful, low-budget 1986 horror movie that’s so bad it has a cult following of folks who hate themselves so much they willingly watch movies that should never have been made, and to take the cake, #2 making it an ANIMATED movie and best of all, #3 have dubbed it ‘Troll: The Rise of Harry Potter, Jr.’  Wait, what?!

Harry Potter
Da Fuuuuu—?!

‘Confundus!’

Nope, this has nothing to do with THAT Harry Potter, the boy wizard created by J.K. Rowling.  Nothing at all.

Back in 1986, during the dawn of home video (before most of you were alive), they made crap, low-budget horror movies in the same volume they make porn nowadays.  One such prize flick was called ‘Troll’ which told the story of an apartment building possessed by a Troll, who terrorized the poor folks living there, including new additions, the Potter family, which included– yep, Harry Potter (the dad) and his son, Harry Potter, Jr.

(Incidentally, both actors would go on to better things.  Michael Moriarty who played Harry Sr. and went on to star on ‘Law & Order’ and Harry Jr. was played by Noah Hathaway, who will live forever as Atreyu from ‘The Never Ending Story’.)

The Troll, who used its magic to impersonate Harry Jr.’s sister, spent the movie turning the apartment’s inhabitants into plants, including a then-unknown Julia Louis-Dreyfus:

Troll Julia Louis-Dreyfus

How this isn’t brought up every time she appears on a talk show, I don’t know.

What’s especially confusing is that ‘Troll: The Rise of Harry Potter, Jr.’ is an ANIMATED movie!  I assume this is aimed at children and isn’t some tentacle rape anime or one of those disturbing and violent DC Comics movies they still stick in the kids department at Target and Walmart.  Once again, WTF?!

(It gets weirder…) ‘Troll: The Rise of Harry Potter, Jr.’ is slated to arrive (straight-to-video, I assume) in 2017 and will feature the voice talents of Patricia Arquette as “The Witch” and child actor Baxter Bartlett as the title non-wizard.  But before that, an animated TV series is supposed to arrive in 2016.  The story involves Potter and the Witch battling an evil Troll Wizard who hopes to take over the world.  (One apartment building at a time– I guess.)  AND, the plan is for this to be so successful that it spawns more and more sequels.  (What’s next? ‘Troll: The Return of Katniss Everdeen’?)

And if your kids go completely Troll-crazed (and why wouldn’t they?), get your passports ready, because there are plans in place to open a Troll-themed section at the Harbin ‘Window to Eurasia’ Theme Park in Northern China.  (You can’t make this stuff up!)  I somehow don’t see it being as popular as The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios, but I’m not always hip to what the kids are into these days.  I wouldn’t know a member of Five Seconds of Summer if I was yelling at them to get off my lawn.

But just so we’re clear, this disclaimer appears on the press release for ‘Troll: The Rise of Harry Potter, Jr.’:

The reprise of “TROLL: The Rise of Harry Potter, Jr.” has not been prepared, approved or licensed by any entity that created or produced the J.K Rowling series of Harry Potter books or the Warner Bros. series of Harry Potter motion pictures. TROLL: the Movie LLC is not affiliated with J.K.Rowling or Warner Bros nor has this motion picture been endorsed or authorized by J.K.Rowling or Warner Bros. The characters “Harry Potter” and “Harry Potter, Jr.” depicted in TROLL are not related to, or inspired by, the book and film characters of J.K.Rowling and Warner Bros.

Harry Potter and Harry Potter, Jr. and his family were characters in the 1986 motion picture “TROLL” which was independently created and distributed 11 years before J.K. Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was written and published.

So there!  If anything, J.K. Rowling and her Harry Potter were cashing in on ‘Troll”s success!

Because, why the hell not.  Here’s the trailer for the original 1986 ‘Troll’ flick:

Comment below, if you can.  Me?  I’m speechless.  Or rather ‘Silencio!’

Source: Slash Film